My first semester of my freshman year at college was honestly amazing. It was every first year college students dream…spending time away from home, away from parents, free to do whatever you want…even if doing what you want consists of ordering Dominos at two O’clock in the morning, with a bottle of wine, while binge watching Netflix. Yeah...we do that.
I was fortunate enough to have accumulated a widespread group of friends rather quickly so no matter where I was on campus, I always had someone to sit in the dining hall with, go to Starbucks for the third time in a single day with (yes you heard me right, three times), or just someone to end up spending so much time with in their room at night, I literally ended up making it a second home.
However though, my winter break was incredibly difficult due to personal reasons, and I also had to go about making some hard choices for myself regarding school and my future living conditions there (deciding to change roommate for my sophomore year, changing my major, etc.). Entering my second semester of college after this break, while making some of these tough decisions caused some conflicts to arise between me and a piece of the friend group I had developed here that I considered myself to be so close with. This situation caused a major drift between some friends and I, where things remained just civil and casual between us, but not at all the same. Also during this second semester, the workload for everyone in general had massively increased causing everyone, including myself, to be extremely consumed with their own work and friends.
Both of these things happening caused me to grow to feel extremely lonely, anxious all the time, started feeling as if I wasn’t good enough for anyone, and dreading being in my room so often compared to how much more I was out last semester. I barely went go to eat at my dining hall anymore because I didn't always have people around to go with and living on campus became something that was hard to do because I started to feel like I had lost my place here. When I started to see things go downhill I tried to do things to help such as reach out to people more or indulge myself in my work more, but it all began to feel so pointless. There were nights where I would sit up in my room by myself and cry because of how alone and confused I was feeling. It got so hard to even just open up to someone and talk anymore without feeling like a burden to them.
Things had reached the point where friends and family kept asking me if I was okay, and I would always lie and tell them I was fine because I never knew what to say. I didn't want to sound like the downer who had lost some friends or sound needy or be the person that drags other people down when I’m not okay. It took a while, but an amazing select few friends I had were able to reassure me several times that I wasn’t a bother before I could open up again. Honestly if it weren’t for those three friends in specific I’m thinking of, one who I had only just met this semester, I would probably have considered moving back home to commute the remainder of this semester as well as next year.
One of the biggest lessons that I have learned this semester about college, is that friends are better in terms of quality versus quantity, and that sometimes its okay to be surrounded by less people. This was so hard for me to learn after having countless friends in high school, to then be surrounded by friends in my first semester of college, and then to suddenly begin to feel as if I was losing people left and right. I wasn’t used to having what felt like close to nobody and living away from home made all of it so much more difficult. However, if you reach out to the right people whether it be on campus counseling or just a single close friend, you'll be able to come back from anything.
