“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” (Song of Solomon 6:3).
So many times, we think that this Bible verse is just for weddings. But to me, this verse means something totally different.
As a young girl, I only really “loved” one boy. I was 15 years old and I thought that he was literally the best thing that could ever happen to me. Despite our huge age difference, I was so determined to make it work. In my Russian culture, girls get married fairly young. So in my mind, I was thinking I would marry this guy. We had so much in common, or so I thought. I gave that relationship my all, only to realize that he was seeing other girls his age on the side.
When I found out, I was completely devastated. How could someone that I loved so much just take my heart and play with it like that? We broke up. I cried. I harmed myself in ways I never wanted to.
The problem with me is that I love way too hard and way too much. I thought that I was the problem. That I needed to change. I became a very rebellious child and I honestly feel so bad for having put my mom through all of that. I trusted no one. I became so reserved and quiet that no one really knew what was wrong with me. I didn’t have any friends that I could share it with because I trusted absolutely no one. I would go to school, come home, and cry myself to sleep.
Through those years, I knew that I was depressed. I started hating the city I lived in, the people I knew, the school I went to, and the church I went to, but I was able to put up a good front. I started talking to a lot of boys and tried looking for love in wrong places.
Throughout this time, I found Jesus in a whole new different way. He was there for me through my hard times and through the good ones. I had finally found the love I was looking for. I pledged my love to him and him alone. I thought I was set to go, but then college happened.
On the first day of college, I met my next mistake. He was perfect in my eyes. I soon forgot what happened in high school, and I allowed myself to be totally and completely in love with one person again. We thought it was mutual, but in reality it wasn’t.
When this boy broke up with me, I was so hurt. I relapsed back into depression and it was way worse than the first time. But again and again, God proved that He was there for me. With the help of the many friends I have had the privilege of meeting and trusting, I soon forgot all the heartache and depressing thoughts. I have learned to love myself and respect myself more than ever.
No matter what you have been through, beloved is still your identity in Christ. We won’t be called the “soiled doves of the enemy” anymore. Instead, we are now the spotless daughters of the highest and only God. Beloved.
