I feel like a wanderer... and no, I don't mean like an alien. I have felt like this for years. My life aimlessly flows and it feels like there is no meaning to my life. I feel like I was put on this earth to wander. I was put here to teach other people lessons, bless their lives with my knowledge, and aimlessly flow. So many of you will not understand where I am coming from. These past few years have been a tremendous struggle trying to find my purpose in life. I took a gap year of school, I stayed in a state for a guy, and I have yet to finish a full two years of college. While all my other friends seem to have it all figured out, I am still wandering. I have so many talents, and so many dreams I wish to achieve, but can I honestly achieve them all? I would love to be a famous singer, I would love to go on a mission trip around the world, I love writing novels, I love dancing, I love Disney world, I love children, and I also love the idea of a family of my own some day. Can someone please come and shove all of that together and give me a purpose here? There is just an overwhelming amount of paths I can see myself taking and I think the idea of making a mistake scares me. For years I have felt like this, but times like these where I stare at a computer screen and openly cry out for help that I am lost, is where it gets to me.
Being a wanderer in my definition on this earth can also be quite lonely. Now, I am not saying I am depressed and need a psychologist. All I am saying is that when you feel like a wanderer you also feel like no one gets you. I have three incredible best friends that all live 400 miles away from me that have stuck with me throughout the good times and the bad, but everyone else I've met, I just feel like they don't get me. Sometimes, I don't even get myself. I am filled with so much joy and love for others but for some reason I feel as though no one can actually love me, well, intimately. This is truly the hardest part of it, I don't know who I am, or love myself enough for someone else to see the beauty inside of me to love me. I know I am young and have my entire life ahead of me, but you cant blame me for feeling this way if I've felt this way my entire life. I can only hope that I somehow find my purpose and someday someone finds me.
As the years have gone by, I have realized how being a wanderer has made such an amazing impact on the people who's lives I have touched. When I was little, my grandfather died and the night of his death I remember still till this day seeing an angel in my mothers bathroom as I slept with her that night. It was so scary to me as a child, yet so real that I remember every second of it. That, makes me want to believe that I am special and I have a gift. Throughout my life I have also been given very vivid dreams of what the end days are going to look like. I have an extremely strong faith, and that only makes me feel like what if being a wanderer is being an angel walking on earth sent from Heaven. When I was little a woman used to watch me after school who was our neighbor and I remember her being so depressed after her husband died, and she told me that, me coming into her life was one of the best things that has ever happened to her. As I got older, I began teaching kids my age the Bible in the neighborhood, throughout my middle school years I was the advice giver and shoulder to cry on for all of my friends. I was the partner for the girl who did not get picked, and I was the mothers helper for a single mom struggling after the death of her husband. In high school, I was someones first love in which he told me, I was the best thing that had ever happened to his life. Those were the same words the elderly lady told me next door when I was nine.
So here's my question, where is my wanderer? There's a funny saying that says, "the psychologist needs a psychologist." I have been everyone else's rock, where is mine? What am I supposed to do with my life? I have asked God for the answers but I feel as though he wants me to answer them myself. If there is anyone else out there that feels similar to how I feel, speak out. Keeping this inside for so many years has been so hard. When I've tried to explain it to friends and family they have thought I was nuts. Do you? I encourage everyone regardless of how they feel to express their feelings whether it may be through writing, singing, or speaking. Whatever the case may be, do it, because it feels amazing to finally be able to openly say, that I feel like a wanderer and I need some answers.
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