This Odyssey article isn't some deep revelation about finding your true self or an open letter to my mom or a list of the top ten toys from the 90s. This is just a (now) hilarious story about the time my older sister got a kidney stone...in Disney World.

It was Spring 2010.

Orlando.

Partly cloudy.

My family had been walking the harsh streets of Disney World all day. Our feet throbbed and our throats were parched. However, no one's pain could add up to Elizabeth's- she kept complaining her back was hurting. Mother gave her some Advil and told her to keep trucking, Splash Mountain waits for no one.

Later that night in our resort room, I was dead asleep and actually heard none of the following occur:

Elizabeth continuously rubbed her back and kept going to the bathroom. She began to throw up and that's when mother knew something really was wrong. The on-site Disney paramedics showed up and took Elizabeth's vitals and did some other doctor-y stuff. They apparently were fabulously helpful and kind and wonderful, but then doomsday began when the ambulance finally arrived.

The ambulance, or "the most expensive ride at Disney" (to quote mother), was a part of the WORST hospital in the Orlando area...no, in Florida. NO, IN THE NATION. Let's just call it Celebration Health.*

*Actual name. Nothing to celebrate.

Upon Elizabeth and mother's arrival at the hospital, the "automatic" ER doors wouldn't open. Mother said the ambulance paramedic people motioned to a man standing RIGHT inside the hospital doors to open the door. But the man just stood there and watched. The paramedics gave up on this befuddled nurse and literally had to pry the doors open with their bare hands.

Then they did a bunch of samples and tests and who knows what else, but that's not important.

Meanwhile, back at the resort, my father and younger sister were getting dressed to leave for the hospital. Sarah, the youngest, tapped me and I woke up immediately. (A tap will do me, but not four paramedics carrying my sister off on a stretcher.) My father exclaimed, "Catherine! Wake up! You have to give me directions to the hospital!"

So, we finally mustered our 3:00 a.m. selves to Celebration Health. Elizabeth was passed out sleeping, but my little sister and I weren't allowed to come back yet. Father made us stay in the waiting room because apparently hospitals are super unsanitary carry a lot of illness in their hallways. So, we waited outside with the desk lady eating away at her Doritos. Finally, Sarah and I decided we were bored and wanted to see Elizabeth and asked the desk lady to open the doors for us. She groaned the most annoyed groan I have ever heard, like we had suddenly inconvenienced her from sitting and eating, and pushed the button for the door with her orange stained fingers.

Firstly, the doctor who was seeing Elizabeth was probably the worst doctor ever. He just didn't care. Did he know that passing a kidney stone is sometimes worse than CHILDBIRTH ITSELF? Apparently not because when my father went to go ask him a very pertinent question about Elizabeth's state and the progress of the stone, he didn't have an answer because he was "waiting for the results". Well, guess what, buddy? Those "results" aren't going to be on Facebook because that's where he was apparently looking for them. My mother, a nurse, was furious. She knew how fast those results could take since she has worked at a hospital for years, and we'd been here for hours. This man had other patients and Elizabeth to take care of, and he had the audacity to be on Facebook. Side Note: He also suggested the boy who was placed next to Elizabeth who came in later who couldn't swallow, to take a pill. The boy's mother tried to explain to the doctor that her son literally couldn't even swallow his own spit, so how was he expected to take a pill? I can't recall the doctor's answer, but I'm sure he tried to find it on Facebook.

I wasn't having this. I mooned him. It was a full moon in Orlando that night, folks.

Afterwards, around 7:00 a.m., my mother had decided she had enough of Celebration Health and asked if we could just leave. They said sure as long as we sign off on some forms. Well, our address on the forms was completely incorrect. My mother tried to explain to the woman, who only spoke native Spanish, that we did not live in Colorado. The woman wasn't having it, so my mother scribbled our correct address and we promptly left.

The next day, Elizabeth's kidney stone had passed *shiver* and we carefully made our way around Magic Kingdom again.

Well, that was our adventure with Elizabeth's kidney stone in Disney World. I thought it was our final and only kidney stone adventure, but this morning at 8:00 a.m., mere days upon returning from our most recent trip to Disney World, Elizabeth limped into my room and tapped my leg.

"What, Elizabeth?"

"You need to drive me to mom's work. I have a kidney stone."

I can't say I was thankful she had another stone, but I am very, very, very thankful we avoided Celebration Health this time because my butt is not as cute as it was in 2010.