Falling Into Toxic Patterns

Falling Into Toxic Patterns

I always wondered why I could move past my toxic relationships. The truth is that I didn't really want to.

"Why do you keep hurting me?"

"I don't know, I guess because you let me."

It's a tough pill to swallow, hearing these words come from someone's mouth. It's a painful realization to know someone hurts you simply because they have the opportunity to do so. And it's even more of a painful realization to be the one handing them the opportunity over and over again. Whoever said opportunity doesn't knock twice obviously never met me.

I've allowed myself to get hurt before, and not in a naive way, not in a sweet way, but in a stupid way, a foolish way. I knew I was giving someone to power to hurt me over and over and over again and yet I continued to do so. Although it was on the other person for seizing this opportunity to cause me pain, it was also on me for handing this opportunity over so easily.

Why did I do it? I ask myself a lot.

There a lot of different answers as to why I, and others, constantly fall into toxic patterns knowing exactly where the toxicity leads them. For one, it's a sort of addiction, or a really terrible habit, like falling asleep with all your make up on or sleeping past your alarm even though it'll make you late. There is a certain exhilaration in making a decision that isn't necessarily good for you but definitely feels good in the moment.

Another reason definitely relates to self-esteem, because people with high self-esteem don't make bad decisions on purpose, people with high self-esteem don't knowingly put themselves in a bad situation just for fun. I'm not saying everyone who makes bad choices had terrible self-esteem, but there are definitely underlying issues beneath the poor choices we make.

For me personally, I have a lot of self-doubt and struggle with my worth. I'm scared of being vulnerable and relying on other people. I don't always necessarily believe I'm worth the love and affection other's give me, and I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the people around me to realize that as well.

Which leads to the main reason as to why I fall into the same toxic pattern, and it's because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy for me. I question if I deserve to be cared about, so I place myself in a relationship that reflects that. I'm scared of being hurt, so aline myself with someone who I know will definitely hurt me.

There is a safety in knowing exactly how something is going to end, even if that ending is terrible. I would rather spend time crying over the same pain than open myself up to a new and unknown situation. It's safe, it's comfortable, even if it makes me miserable.

I always wondered why I could move past my toxic relationships. The truth is that I didn't really want to. It was a lot easier to pour my issues into a bad situation than to actually face them. It validated how I felt about myself, and it was safer than putting myself in another situation that would lead to real vulnerability.

I'm not perfect, and I make bad decisions. I'm working on forgiving myself for these mistakes and forgiving myself for getting hurt. People are going to hurt me, and sometimes I'm going to let them. And I should forgive myself for that. I'm very forgiving towards others, so I'm going to try to give myself the same courtesy.

I'm also going to teach myself I'm worthy of other's affection, love and caring. I've been working on this for awhile, but I obviously still have a lot way to go. I don't want to hold people at arm's length in fear; I want to let the people I care about into my life without hesitation or anxieties. I deserve reliable, loving relationships, and once I truly believe that, I know my toxic patterns will be broken.

Cover Image Credit: Jolie Delia

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Why You Should Stop Chasing Him

You deserve better.

They say “the thrill of the chase" makes someone more enticing. There's just something about wanting something you can't have that drives you crazy (in a good way). There is never a dull moment. Pursuing him is a challenge. Nothing comes easily. What's the fun in that anyway?

I'm going to tell you this: stop chasing him. Stop forgiving him when he forgets to answer your text messages and phone calls. Stop being the one to always make plans. Stop letting him bail on you. Stop waiting around for him. Stop being lied to. Stop making excuses when he doesn't make time for you. There is a difference between someone who is “hard to get" and a flat out jerk who doesn't give you the time of day. Stop letting him use you.

You deserve to be with someone who makes you fall asleep every night in the middle of texting him because neither of you want the conversation to end. You deserve someone who plans dates for the two of you. You deserve someone who asks you to hang out before midnight. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you just as much as you do with them. You deserve someone who insists on paying for your ice cream. You deserve someone who won't deceive you. You deserve someone who is straightforward. You deserve attention. You deserve affection. You deserve a partnership that is mutual, not one-sided. You deserve to be chased.

You are better than 3 a.m. “Hey" texts. You are better than a night spent watching a movie just to fool around. You are better than trying to decode his vague messages. You are better than his shadiness. You are better than mind games. You are better than being ignored.

If you have to chase him, he's not worth it. Don't settle for someone who makes you beg for his attention. If he is genuinely interested in getting to know you, he will put in the effort. A relationship where your feelings are reciprocated is far more rewarding than one where you constantly feel like you have to drag him along.

Change your mentality. Become more independent. Be confident, be bold. Find happiness in being alone. Don't waste your time pathetically chasing after someone who doesn't feel the same, but doesn't have the heart or the courage to tell you so. Your self-confidence and positivity will make you radiant, and eventually, you will attract the kind of guy who is mature enough to not mess with your head.

Cover Image Credit: weheartit.com

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To The Ex Who Won’t Move On, It’s Time To Let Go

Moving on is hard, but it’s time for you to realize I’m gone.


It's been a year. It's been 365 days since I left you. I was ready for a change. Our relationship was unhealthy and very toxic. We argued constantly. You were very controlling, and it was time to end it. You knew you were the issue in the relationship and you knew what needed to be fixed.

You couldn't change.

After figuring out I couldn't live the rest of my life unhappy, I left. It was hard no doubt. We had good memories, but the bad outweighed the good. You never appreciated me. You weren't loyal to me and I never understand why. You always made me feel as if I was never enough.

I finally left you. You couldn't accept the fact that I was done. I told you I discovered my self-worth and you were angry. You didn't want to see me go. You called and texted me for weeks.

I ignored you.

You were so mad because I was finally done. You had convinced yourself that I would come back but little did you know, I wouldn't. You called and texted daily. You even called my job. You didn't understand. I could no longer listen to ongoing insults and constant accusations. I had enough of it.

When I didn't respond to your calls and texts, you began using text apps and calling me from restricted. You wouldn't stop. When you found out I moved on, it got worse. I begged you to stop and you wouldn't. I finally stopped responding. You still continue to try to contact me.

I need you to move on. I want to put everything behind us. I want you to go out and find someone to make you happy. I need you to realize you and I are over. I want you to move on like I did. I am happy now and I don't need you ruining that. To my ex who is struggling to move on, it's time to let go and move on.

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