I’m one of those girls who are really bad at hiding her feelings. I’m not one to be able to play it cool and to hide anything when it comes to relationships. If I’m into you, you will damn well know it.

I also hate games. At this point in my life, I think we’re all old enough to be straightforward with our feelings and vocalize them. If you like me, let me know, and if you don’t, please let me know sooner.

With all that being said, I am extremely picky. I am really good at finding guys that I feel very “meh” about, so when I find one who I am genuinely interested in, I head into it full force.

That’s why, when I met O. it was a big freaking deal. He was beautiful, smart, and incredibly interesting. He was so unlike any guy I had ever gone out with before and I was instantly fascinated. He held the door open for me and complimented me, and didn’t ask me to come upstairs after our first date. He was a gentleman and the cutest self-proclaimed nerd I’d ever met.

After the second time we hung out, I needed to make my intentions clear with him. I wasn’t sure what he wanted, but I knew what I did and didn’t want. I was worried that based on my limited knowledge about him that all he would want was a hook-up (side note: when I did get his side, I felt like an asshole for assuming this). I made it clear to him in a well-thought-out and confirmed by three of my friends text message that I had done the “hook-up only” relationship before and that I was looking for a guy that I could “hang out and make out with”—yes, I really said that.

Secretly, deep inside of me, I knew I wanted more with him, but I didn’t want to scare him off this early in the game. I patiently waited and panicked for him to respond and when he did, even though it’s what I thought I wanted, I felt so unsettled.

He said that he had just gotten out of a relationship and wanted something fun, not serious. I was thankful that I had kept my feelings a little guarded, but honestly, couldn’t shake the message and the kind of relationship he wanted with me.

He and I were heading in two opposite directions and neither of us wanted to turn around. He was heading towards my past of casual flings and independent freedom and I was trying to make a run for a real, committed relationship.

Nothing is more uncomfortable than being told that you’re not what someone wants right now. It doesn’t exactly hurt, but it’s painful to know that you can be so close to what you want, but he’s just not ready to give it to you.

As hard as you want to try, you’ll never be enough for a guy who isn’t ready. And as I’ve learned, without the piece there that is ready to commit, nothing can sustain a relationship.