As a highly dedicated college student, I take pride in my coursework, courseload, and most of all my GPA. I worked hard to achieve all of these things, so why not be proud of my results? Academia was always something that I could say I was really talented at. Although my planning and procrastination were not typically the best, I was able to achieve high marks on quizzes, tests, or other school assignments. However, what happens if an illness takes over and you lose a semester because of it? What happens when the thing you are most proud of goes away and is in someone else's hands?
I firmly believe that my education is most important and of great value. I know many people do not receive the opportunity to sit in a college classroom and participate in the gift that is higher learning. Now that I know how lucky I am to be in the position that I am in, it is no wonder why I choose to take my academics so seriously. I want to put my best work out there, not only for myself but also as a way of showing my appreciation to my parents, who worked to put me through school.
Upon reflection, I have learned that my personal fear of failure, as it relates to my academics, is one of my biggest motivators to do well. I also think that my fear of failure, something that I have only done once before in my academic career, can be extremely toxic and lead to self-sabotage. How do you walk the line between healthy and unhealthy motivation? Fear of failure can lead to dangerous practices such as procrastination, excessive anxiety, low self-esteem, and perfectionism. However, I have also found in the past that procrastination and perfectionism can lead to some of my best work. So how can I take these qualities into account and use them to not only do well in the future but also to squash my fear and its negative aspects?
When the thing you prize most is being determined by someone else and failure is temporary but inevitable, how should I cope? Well, my illness took me for a ride this semester, which landed me inside of a depressive tornado. My grades and my personal life both suffered beyond a manageable extent. I am choosing to get in the solution and slowly repair my personal life by getting more involved on campus, and holding myself more accountable. I am refusing to give in to my illness as much as I did during this past semester; I let it dictate my actions so much so that I was completely isolated and unhappy. As far as my grades, well, that is currently in the hands of my university. I can only hope for a second chance to repair the damage and continue on. I will continue to work as hard as I always have, and dedicate myself to my education and not focus on potential failure like the looming negative state of mind that it currently is.
