“Hello demons, it’s me, ya boy!, Anxiety!”
I have lived with anxiety for all my life. Anxiety is not a good friend of mine, but I like to call it a stalker. It stalked me since the small age of five all the way to my journey in college. At times, it creeps up behind me and attacks me when I least expect it.
To those that do not know what anxiety is, it’s not a disease, but a mental state that affects behavior. For me, it started when I was in elementary school bullied for looking different from everyone else. I was the tallest in my class and already had glasses, so those two physical description can place me as the awkward weirdo. When I finally hit puberty, I grew into myself, but the anxiety morphed into abusive relationships with friends or boyfriends in high school. I hated the idea of being alone again because I did not want to be alone like I was in elementary school.
For me, anxiety came at random times. Sometimes I get them when I was at a football game with my friends in high school or at the movies. In moments when I am having fun, I feel like I do not belong and everything becomes hazy. I notice people talking, eye movements, laughing, and suddenly become distant and pull out from the environment that I’m in. After feeling this way, I get a strong feeling of wanting to go home and curling up in a small ball. I often get panic attacks ranging from running away to a private room or just bawling my eyes out.
Anxiety has become much easier to control once you realize that it’s triggered by behavior. Before going out or doing anything, I mentally prepare myself to not have panic attacks. I tell myself repeatedly that “everything is going to be okay” and that “it won’t come if you don’t think about it.” I often felt that I annoyed people through these attacks and lost many relationships because of it. To those that have stuck by me through my mental obstacle, they have been a huge foundation in my growth to a stronger and healthier lifestyle. It’s not easy to be there for someone with anxiety because it can often cause other people to get anxiety as well, but it takes a special willpower for those that have helped me.
College can take a huge toll on many people. Anxiety can be caused from small things like midterms to larger things like relationships with people. I have faced many challenges with anxiety recently, but it helps when I can talk it out with friends and family. I want everyone to know that anxiety is real and that it is okay to acknowledge what you have. However, through anxiety, I learned to mentally prepare and to stay positive even in the worst times. It is something no one should be afraid of admitting to having because anxiety is in everyone small or large.
