The officer calls my name. I stand up and squeak out a quiet “here,” as I slowly edge towards the court room. I anticipate that he is not here yet so I feel the courage to keep taking a few steps. Then I hear the officer say his name a couple times and that’s when I heard the response. “I’m here,” he says and chills run down my spine as I glance and look into the eyes of my rapist.
Some call me a victim. Some feel bad for what happened. Some pity me. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to. I am not defined by a sexual assault. I am not defined by my past. I am not defined by what has happened to me.
Believe me, it took a very long time to come to this realization: That I am a survivor, a role model, a woman who has a future. That I am worth more than one horrific experience from my past. That I have the ability to not only change my life, but others too. That I still matter.
A little over a week ago I had to face my rapist. I had to stand less than ten feet away from the man who hurt me more than anyone can imagine. I had to swallow the puke that continually tried coming up after reliving the incident from his presence. I had to have a friend hold me up because my body wanted to collapse from the fear, trauma, and pain that surfaced from being in the same room. I had to sit silently while my skin was crawling and every tear poured out of me.
Something happened that day, and you could say it was luck, but I have learned that while a lot of circumstances are determined by fate in this life, we also have a say in our future. I will always try to put into words how difficult those couple hours at the courthouse were for me, but nothing I say will ever give those feelings justice. And I could illustrate every detail of the agreement that was made and the discussions back and forth with the judge, but I will skip to the fact that when I walked out of the courthouse that day my life changed. Yes, I was blessed to get what I wanted—to have my rapist banned from campus until I graduate. But more importantly, that day I finally did something for me. I stood up for myself. I didn’t give up when every bone in my body just wanted to shrivel and hide. I took the step to get what I deserve and now I will be able to push further into my future and reach graduation like I want. But most of all, I didn’t give up on myself. I still believed in who I am and that hope is what will carry me each day in the future when I feel weak.
I have not known the proper way to deal with the rape, but with all honesty, does anyone? I am guessing no, which is why I want to stress the importance of the future being filled with the elimination of assumptions about assault cases and instead encouraging open-minded discussions and inquiries about each case to fully comprehend the scenarios. Yes, the discussions will be uncomfortable, and yes, there will be endless difficult feelings brought up, but how will anyone have the ability to move forward without furthering his or her knowledge about the subject? You can’t, and that’s why I want this topic to be further brought to light. Next, I wish people focused on empowering others who have been assaulted to regain control of their lives instead of dwelling on the negative emotions. We all make the decision to live, but more importantly, we all make the decision about how to live. Survivors need to know that they have a choice and the future is still theirs, even if the trauma temporarily is blinding any sight of it. I have been there, I have felt like there has been no hope at times, and somehow, I am still here… living, breathing and making a difference in the world.
With that being said, my message from all of this is I hope you all love yourself enough to fight for what you deserve. It can be one step towards closure or it can be seeing a trauma specialist or it can be writing about your experience in hopes to impact others and give support. Whatever that step is, take it. You could be taking the first step that changes the rest of your life, and you deserve to not only live, but live how you want to. Make the decision today to believe in yourself, take it from me—you won’t regret it.
