For those of you about to read this I want to get something out of the way first and foremost. This article deals with very raw emotional and mental material the likes of which even people reading this that know me personally might not have known. If you're a stranger who happened to come across this, consider this one man's account of a radical experience he recently had. If you're someone that knows me but didn't know everything i'm about to say, know that I don't blame you for not asking, knowing, or anything related. What you knew or didn't know was entirely on me and what I was willing to tell you. I'm sorry if this is hard to read and i'm sorry if you find something out this way that's uncomfortable for you to hear, but in order to explain this experience best I find it necessary to be completely candid. I will not be naming specific people or names, but otherwise will be being completely honest. Also expect this to be laced with my usual sarcasm and dry wit (not everything changed). With that extended disclaimer out of the way, here we go....
I had an experience at my church last Sunday night. It was an experience I never thought I had and if you had asked me at any point prior to then if I thought it could happen, I might have laughed at the thought. I momentarily passed out from prayer and fell face first onto the floor of my church's sanctuary...and here's why it probably was the best thing to happen to me in a very long time.
Before I explain what happened, I should probably explain where i've been the last few months mentally. The short answer is in a bad place, but here's the long answer anyway. In January of this year I had a massive falling out with someone really close to me. One might say it was the pinnacle of several months of escalating conflict and misunderstanding on both sides, but i'm not here to shame, blame, or document that sordid tale. What's important is because of all this, that person left me and I have been on my own ever since. I'm still hoping we can one day move past this, but i'll also admit to probably not having done my best to atone leading up to it. I also said some things I already regret including the afternoon prior to my titular experience but again...irrelevant details. This hasn't been the only thing happening though.
Someone else very close to me has been receiving treatments for cancer and he has been going through a great deal from both the cancer and the treatments themselves despite currently being in remission. In fact, as I write this, he is hundreds of miles away from me and in surgery for an infection that flared up during his lengthy healing process (if you read this i'm praying for you every day). From these and many other minor issues built up overtime to say that i've been a wreck is an understatement. I've been suffering depression, mood swings, panic attacks, social anxiety, paranoia, nightmares, and even more besides. I was in therapy for a while until January trying to find solutions but financial troubles forced me to give it up and i've been facing all of this alone since then...or at least that's how it was until Sunday.
Yeah about time we get to that I guess huh? Well i've always believed in God, I was raised that way my entire life and it's always been a part of who I am, but it's also been a part that, until relatively recently, I shoved down deep and aside from going to church and small group (which even then I wasn't doing diligently). Why this happened I honestly can't explain. There are several possible suspects I could blame from my own weaknesses, the company I kept over the last couple of years, my mental problems I refused to address, and even people from my distant past I haven't interacted with in many years. Unfortunately, whether it was one of these things, all of them, or something else i've yet to realize the fact is my faith has not been as strong as maybe even I said or thought it's been until very recently.
Now I know what some of you are probably thinking "Just tell us what happened already!" and to them I say wait no more because we're finally here. I woke up that Sunday and was lying in bed and for some reason made the decision easily i wasn't going to church that morning (see my laundry list of excuses and confessions and pick one, you're probably not wrong). I stayed in bed, i watched some Smallville on Hulu, played some Kingdom Hearts 3, did some chores around the house and was honestly feeling pretty good about myself, but then the argument happened. What should have been a simple conversation spiraled out and I know at least for my part I said some things I regret. Suddenly I went from on top of the world to once again feeling like I was being ground up under its heel. I was destroyed, borderline delirious with sadness and grief, and unable to comprehend anything else. It's funny how sometimes all it takes is one moment to completely rock your entire day.
Suddenly, in the middle of my vortex of my raw emotion and pain, something strange happened. I got dressed, left my apartment, and went for a drive to be anywhere but there. Where did I wind up? Well I think that's pretty obvious but i'll say it anyway. My church. I can only assume I went there thinking everyone would be gone and that i'd have quiet to think, but what I got was another beast all together. Not only were there people there but, as I had neglected to recall up till that point, it was the church's monthly staff, volunteer, and small group meeting that evening. Before I could think to retreat I had already been seen by several people and decided to stick around. I conversed with friends and confided in them why I had randomly materialized there, watched from the back corner of the room as my new smalI group leader was recognized and as a volunteer reward was handed out to a woman I knew but didn't speak too often (stay tuned she'll be important in a minute not that she wasn't already), listened to the pastors sermon on prayer and led open prayer as people began to leave. I remember being generally ambivalent towards most of these things decided to try and leave at that window during prayer. On my attempted exit I was intercepted, and my experience began.
It was the woman who had been given the service award earlier that evening (haha told you she'd be back) and, as I was silently congratulating her for her accomplishment as I walked past, she has suddenly stood up and, perhaps unintentionally, blocked my escape route. Before I could even process the she had laid a hand on me and said that she felt like God told her to pray for me and asked if she could. Despite every physical instinct in my brain panicking and shouting BAIL my polite mannerisms won out and I accepted her offer. I told her what had been going on with me, she began praying and, as jerkish as this may sound, I honestly don't remember most of what she said during it. This wasn't because I was ignoring her, but because of what suddenly and unexpected overtook me.
WHAM!
About 6 minutes in, at approximately 8:17pm on Sunday April 7th...I passed out. While I can't claim I was completely unresponsive as I remember rubbing my nose and sniffling as more hands touched my back and I lay sniffling and sobbing on the carpet unable to move or stand, I was in such a fog that I was almost completely unaware of any sensations other than those and what I was feeling. All I can really focus on was how things escalated so fast. I was fine until then, I was feeling comforted albeit a little twitchy (I have vulnerability issues I mean obviously I do). Suddenly I started feeling cold but warm sensations on my left shoulder like someone was holding me...but the strange thing was until that point no one was touching me there. As the prayer went on that feeling started to spread but I wasn't feeling alarmed...I was feeling safe. My twitchiness went away and I felt at ease. Suddenly it was as if that force reached inside my head and started fighting with something in my mind. I felt dizzy, my head was hurting but jumping wildly from calm and collected to panicked and irrational. Then, all at once, it all stopped, my body went quiet and calm, and I fell.
I was stunned, still sobbing and sniffling, but yet at peace. Eventually the prayer ended and I slowly rose into a sitting position. I was given water and comforted by the woman, my small group leader, and my future roommate who both arrived at some point during this whole thing. We all talked for a while, I settled down, and eventually I was able to stand and return home. So what happened? Honestly i'd be lying if I could say declaratively, but as for what I think happened, i feel like that night, God was there with me and he did battle with the manifestation of all my fears, anxiety, and stress and won. Do I think i'm magically cured? I don't know, but since then i've felt at ease for far longer than i've been in months, and my body and mind have felt lighter than i've ever known in recent memory. All I can say is it showed me that God is standing with me as well as my new church family and, after this, I have no intention on letting any of that go for granted ever again.
