Recently I was driving to work early in the morning and listening to a radio show. The question of the morning was, “Which song encapsulates your summer experience this year?” Both the radio show host and I were a little surprised to find out that Elle King’s “Ex’s and Oh’s” was the most popular answer for the morning. Summer is known for being filled with flings, but there are so many “summer fling” songs out there that I was intrigued enough to try to figure out why this particular song was making such an impact. As I continued speculating, something hit me. I’m sure most people are drawn to “Ex’s and Oh’s” because it emotes an overall empowering feeling (of being sufficient enough for guys/girls to hang on to you), but I realized that with every ex you acquire, an “oh” moment follows-- those epiphanies or lessons you learn only after a relationship has ended. I’ve had several, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Here are some types of “ex’s” and the “oh’s” that follow them.
The First Love (aka your 1st relationship)
This person made you realize that you are more than just the idea of yourself. Until now, you’ve just lived life. It wasn’t until you were made aware that other people are drawn to you, find you attractive, or want to invest (albeit a tiny amount of time) in you that you actually felt valuable. If you shared my experience, it made you feel like you were actually an adult, feeling adult things… even though you were only 10.
The Real First Love (aka your 1st long-term relationship)
The first thing this guy/girl does is make you feel like an idiot for believing that what you felt before was love. It’s an important realization to make on two levels: feelings are tricky and you are capable of being deceived by them. This is the first time you’ve made a commitment to someone else and have actively wanted to make someone else’s life better. It’s the first time you realize that real relationships are work, and they don’t always work out.
The Guilt Trip (aka the stereotypical “nice guy”)
Everyone’s heard of the friend-zone, and every “nice guy” has complained about it. The friend-zone exists for a reason: you can either be the nice-guy friend, or the guilt-trip boyfriend. Trust me, one is better than the other. This relationship is tricky. More often than not you’re guilted into the relationship because the guy/girl is too nice or sweet to say no to. You feel that they deserve time and recognition. However, this is the relationship that makes you realize that you can’t force feelings, and sometimes bad things happen to good people.
The Risky One (aka the bad boy)
Perhaps this relationship is just a palate cleanser from your nice guy relationship-- an over-correction if you will. This is the relationship that makes you feel bold, sexy, and daring. Part of you knows you’re making a mistake, but for a moment you feel invincible. You feel like you can get away with breaking all of the rules… Then when the relationship ends you realize that the rules are there for a reason.
The Favorite Mistake (aka the best time of your life)
Perhaps this is the first person you imagined a real future with. You’ve felt love before, but this is the first time a future has seemed plausible. This is the first long-term relationship where you both are actively invested. When you reminisce about the past, this is the one that makes you smile. When you think about it though, he/she was a mistake for a reason (even if they were your favorite). These relationships tend to relate well to an addiction. This person feels glorious, but overall they are not what’s best for you. Maybe this is when you realize that you’ve been holding yourself back to fit into their life. That you haven’t discovered yourself yet. That you need to love yourself before you can love someone else.
The Pseudo-Rebound (aka the accidental relationship)
This is the guy/girl you seek after “The Real First Love” or “The Favorite Mistake.” Typically this person follows the general rebound criteria: someone to hold you, make you feel important, improve self-esteem, and provide easy conversation. The pseudo-rebound begins as a rebound, but transforms into a long-term relationship due to the ease of interaction. It’s not until the relationship ends that you realize that any feelings you had were surface-level and easily negated. This realization can crush you if you’re not prepared for it; there’s a strong chance you’ll feel heartless for a while.
The One Who Got The Best Of You (aka the mistake)
Here is the stereotypical heart-breaker. The one you know you shouldn’t give a chance but somehow get drawn into feeling like you’re special. This is when you learn that you aren’t the exception to the rule, and no, sex will not guarantee a relationship (duh, right?). It’s a hard hit to take and a bleak perspective, but sometimes we need to be knocked off our high-horse and to be reminded that the world can be cruel.
The One Who You Got The Best Of (aka the one who got away)
This relationship is a mixture of “The Guilt Trip”, “The Favorite Mistake”, and “The First Real Love.” The one who was simply too good for you. The one that makes you realize that even the best relationships have their Achilles heel. The one that makes you surprised that you could overlook fatal flaws in a relationship because everything else was spot on. The one who changed the way you looked at relationships forever.
I consider myself a serial monogamist. I've been in 4 long-term relationships, adding up to 9 years of commitment, and I'm not yet 25. I used to be proud of myself for not sleeping around, or even just casually dating. I was sure I was going to find "the one" and get married, like I always wanted to be. Now I realize that my serial monogamy is part of what's holding me back from finding "the one" (paired with some of my other characteristics, such as my stubbornness).
People have told me that I'm always in a relationship, because I can't handle being alone. That's not true. The problem is that I'm so desperate to find a life-long partner, that I'm willing to put up with things that I shouldn't. I've held on to dead relationships for far too long, because I thought that they might work themselves out. I've made excuses for bad boyfriends, telling myself that they were just scared of commitment and that one day they'd come around, and when that happened, I'd be waiting for them. After all these "Ex's", and all my "Oh" moments I can now say that that's bullshit. As a reminder to keep myself grounded and to stop wasting time on things that aren't worth it I got a tattoo on my ribs: a lyric from Natalie Imbruglias's "Torn".
Illusions Never Change Into Something Real
