Burnout. We all know what it is. Right?

Well if you don’t, that’s okay because I’m about to go into it. Burnout is physical or mental collapse caused by high levels of stress or being overworked. My first semester in college, it was something I had heard about—but I didn’t think it could happen to me.

Senior year of high school, now that was stressful. Senior year was college applications, standardized tests, two theatre productions, Vice-President of Fundraising for the associated student body, president of the GSA, a senior member of archery team, and a full course load including physics and calculus honors. Yeah. I was busy. But I never experienced burnout. I got tired, I got sad, but I never reached a point where I thought I couldn’t do more.

I know what that feels like now.

I was busy first semester. A full course load, associate producing a television series, and pledging. It seems I don’t know when to stop, right? Well, you’re right. Here’s the thing, I have a very hard time saying no, but I’ve gotten better about it.

College is this interesting time in your life where you don’t have to show up to some of your classes. You know the ones I’m talking about. Not the eight-person workshop, but the 300 person lecture. But of course, you should have a good reason to skip a class. I’m not of the mentality of skipping class just “because I feel like it.” We’re all paying to be at school, to get the most out of it that we can.

However, if a cool art installation is opening or there’s a movie premiere that happens to be at the same time as my lecture class… well now we have a discussion going on.

But my point is, in college you can finally wager what’s truly important to spend your time on, and as a byproduct, what isn’t. It is not as if there aren’t millions of possibilities and hundreds of great clubs and classes I could fill my schedule with—the point is that there’s too many choices.

Every choice you make brings you closer to a different outcome than if you had opted for a different path. But it is your path nonetheless. There’s no use in fantasizing about what could have been.***

***I have found this especially important recently. I’ve wondered what my life would be like if I were in a different school at my university or in a different dorm. The changes would be drastic, and I don’t think I’d be the person I am today. Similar, perhaps, but not the same. And I like myself. Except for my uncanny ability to do too much!

Here’s the thing, guys… I love to be busy. I crave it. Idle hands? The devil’s playthings. I miss binging shows on Netflix or even watching Grey’s Anatomy every week. But I’m in a city I love, doing what I love. I’m making art; incredibly important, conversation making and conversation changing art. I’m able to be involved in the birth and execution of some beautiful creative pieces that I could have only dreamed of before.

In addition to all this, I’m in a professional fraternity with siblings who I adore because of their commitment to art and the role of storytelling in everyday life. Then there’s my 20-unit course load, which I mostly like.

This may sound like an incredibly drawn out rant. “Hey, look at my life and how exhausted I’m making myself.” But my intention is rather a warning and a self-reflection. There are hard moments. There are moments when I look up at my ceiling and I just say “No. I can’t do this today. I can’t get out of bed and I can’t create.” These are dark moments. These are moments I consider moving back to Ohio and running through corn fields for the rest of my life. These are moments I call my mom and cry because I don’t know what else to do.

This is burnout. This is when I feel as though I can’t go on. But, I do.

I don’t think it’s incredibly healthy to push yourself beyond human limits. Certainly, I believe that your health has to come first. But you can strive to work on projects that make you happy, projects that excite you and remind you what it feels like to be alive. These are the things I dedicate my time to. These are the things, even though I love them, that cause me to burn out.

I’m only three weeks into the semester. I’m going to try to be better to myself. Adopt a better sleeping habit, laugh more, cry more, work hard but also play hard. If I want to portray life on screen and in digital media, I’ve got to live it.

I picked up some advice from an acting book recently—The Practical Handbook for the Actor. The gist of what I picked up is that anything can happen on stage...or in life. What defines you isn’t the events themselves, but how you react to them, and how you choose to engage with them. Worrying means you could suffer twice. It’s so, so difficult, but I’m gonna let more happen. I’m not going to be afraid of life… because there’s so much of it out there.

Burnout is scary. Incredibly, incapacitating frightening. But I made it to the other side. Even in the pitfalls, there’s always the other side to look forward to. You’ve just gotta keep looking, keep your goals in mind, and be kind to yourself. You’re allowed to fail. You’re just human.