Warning: This is a work of SATIRE. Please do not at any time take me seriously. (That's really just good advice for anytime.)
These past few weeks have been a little bit strange, to say the least. We've seen a great number of people coming into conflict with each other over issues that, quite frankly, involve every single one of us. My favorite so far has been the escalating hostility between North Korea's esteemed President and our own supreme leader. With all the threats of nuclear meltdown slowly becoming a reality, I figured the world deserved a couple reasons why I think this is an excellent opportunity.
For starters, if the bombs do get dropped, we can finally shut up all those tree-hugging communists. With any luck, all the dust kicked up in the explosions and destruction of civilization will create a layer of science-fighting haze in our atmosphere, effectively lowering the temperature of our planet. All those Democrat hack-scientists and sulfur-eating lizard people who believe in "climate change" will lose their minds, while I bundle up in my nice warm lead-lined snowsuit. You can get your own lead-lined snowsuit on my website, www.supportmyshitpolitics.com, for only $1,399.99. It's a steal at that price, believe me. You're going to be radiation free, while all the losers and bozos who didn't give all their money to me will turn into irradiated husks of their former selves!
You're probably thinking, "What about the years of scientific data and verified statistics?" Well, I hate to be the one to tell you, but I'm a scientist too. All those other scientists are fake news, and they want you to believe in climate change because they have stock in the sunscreen industry. I'm a real scientist who doesn't believe in sunscreen. Instead, I use UV Miracle, my new product that is 800 times better than sunscreen. Instead of blocking the UV rays, UV Miracle forms a thin layer on top of your skin that magnifies the rays, allowing your body to soak up more healthy UV rays. It's even been certified by my best personal scientists to prevent skin cancer, and even sadness! Find UV Miracle, and more, on my website www.ParodyofAlexJones.com.
In the end though, I'm thrilled that nuclear annihilation is imminent because it will give me a chance to get really angry and yell a lot about things that I'm really not informed about. If there's one thing Americans are good at, it's pretending we know what we're talking about so we don't look stupid! That would be the worst possible scenario, honestly. If someone caught me lying, and I had to admit I had no clue what I was talking about, I would probably just lie more to cover it up. In fact, we did a whole study on it, which you can view on my website, www.Peopleactuallythinklikethis.com.
Until next time, this is my alter ego, Alexander Jonathon, signing off. Keep your eyes open, and make sure not to trust any filthy liberals. Actually, don't trust conservatives either. Just revere me as your only source of true information, and buy my garbage merchandise that is way overpriced!