I've recently been trying to process the fact that I will never play another competitive soccer game again. I never imagined this time would come so soon but every elite level athlete (College, Semi-Pro or Pro) will encounter this feeling. Despite the inevitability of this moment, there is no singular method by which to deal with this kind of defeat. This loss, this sadness, that feeling that something you love, something you grew up with put your blood, sweat and tears into has just slipped through your fingers. The moment I heard the final whistle blow; saw the other team running to their keeper to celebrate; for that one split second it took me to process what was happening, I was calm. I hadn't completely processed what had just happened and then it all hit me, that inevitable sadness.

Every time your college season ends, it really hits you. However, this hit which I was always destined to take, was unlike any I'd ever felt before. Less than 2% of collegiate athletes will go on to play pro, that leaves 98% of athletes playing their last competitive match in college. As a senior, when your season ends, nobody can ever prepare you for the feeling. Four years of everything you worked for is now over, and you have no new season to start working towards. The only word I can think of using is sad, but a deep sadness.

Sports teaches us so much that you can't learn in a classroom or anywhere else for that matter. It has allowed us to create memories, grow friendships and learn lessons that some people can only dream of. I've met some of my best friends because of the places soccer has taken me.

My journey has been a little different, I feel like I took two hard hits, but this last year was definitely still the worst. My junior year I graduated and left my school to transfer for my senior year. That goodbye was heartbreaking. More so after the loss though. Of course, I cried and realized that I would never wear my team's jersey again, but I also knew I had a new team to go to, a new season to look forward to and a new family to become a part of. What I hadn't realized was how hard it would be to leave my friends and how hard it would be to stay in each other's lives.

When I first left, I talk to so many of my teammates consistently, until the number of calls started to lessen, and the conversations got shorter. It wasn't because we weren't friends anymore, it was just because we were growing apart. Without a doubt if I ever needed any of them, I knew they'd be there, I just hadn't thought the connection would fade after spending every single day for 3 years with my friends. The early morning workouts, late night practices, traveling, locker room fun, all that is what had kept us together for so long. Now, the most we do is check up on each other occasionally, but what's important is whenever something's wrong I know I can expect texts from them to try and cheer me up and support me.

That sadness stuck with me, but I quickly grew into a new family and started a new journey with them. Unfortunately, that journey has now come to an end as well. However, with the end of this journey, I also end of my career. I had a nice long drive home after our loss and I just thought about how sad I was. Sad that I would never lace up my cleats, put on my jersey and walk out to see thousands of fans supporting the team, sad that I will never stand with my teammates before a game, look left and right and realize how grateful I am for them, and how they have helped me grow to become who I am. Sad that I'll never have any motivation to push myself at 6am in the summer to get out of bed, get yelled at by my coach and run until I puke to prepare myself for my upcoming season. I'm sad that I'll never have a teammate stand over me in the weight room encouraging me to just give that bar one more push, so I can get just a little bit stronger. I'm sad that I'll never sit in the locker room with my teammates to sing, dance and laugh. I'll never spend endless days with them traveling on the road, making stupid jokes and laughing at ourselves because it's 2am and we're still on the bus when we were supposed to be at the hotel hours ago. I'll never run around in a city I don't know with my teammates because that's where our game just happened to be, and we wanted to go on an adventure. The laughter and jokes we've had during the season are irreplaceable and never again will I experience how much people can feed off one another and how happy the simplest things in life can make us.

There are going to be so many people who will never understand why I'm so sad or why any athlete is so consumed with sorrow when their season ends, but we know why. It's heartbreaking to look back at everything you had, everything you wish you could still fight for, but realize it isn't yours to fight for anymore. I'm dreading going through the whole process and leaving a family again and slowly growing apart from all the people I love simply because we don't see each other much anymore. Though when it counts, I know they'll be there.

I'm terrified to enter a new world, one that doesn't involve sports, and nobody knows who I am. Everything I've done and accomplished will mean nothing in this new world, but what's important is it means everything to me.

To every single teammate I've had, whether we got on or not I appreciate you and will always be there if you ever need anything, I'm a phone call or text away. To all my coaches, trainers, and anyone else who has helped me grow, believed in me and taught me what hard work, confidence, accountability, and dedication was along with so many other things I am forever grateful. I am who I am today because of this journey, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.