My Anxiety Tricks Me Into Believing Everyone Hates Me

I Believe Everyone Hates Me Thanks To My Anxiety

My anxiety has tricked me into believing it's all going to go bad, and it will be all my fault.

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I always knew I had anxiety. I use to practice my introduction to myself on the first day of school, and sometimes hesitate to raise my hand in case I was wrong and people would make fun of me. I have definitely made great improvements in taking more risks and allowing myself to be more present at the moment than regretting I didn't say something when I had the chance.

However, my anxiety has seemed to manifest into something else know that I'm in college.

My high school experienced sucked. I got caught up in petty drama like most high school girls, and frankly, I was just trying to get through that chapter of my life. I tried just to be as friendly as possible, but I know I let people walk all over me. Since freshman year of high school, I always knew I was meant to be somewhere else, so I worked hard to get to where I am now. I mean, I live in North Philadelphia and attend a great university.

Of course, the transition from high school to college wasn't the easiest. I contemplated if I should transfer back home because I did miss the very little interaction I had with people my own age. I thought I took too big of a risk because only four people moved out of Western PA, and I had my own former classmates telling me that, "oh, you'll end up transferring back home because you'll hate it" or some variation of, "you're a New Castle kid, and New Castle kids stay in New Castle."

I did work to find a way to make Temple University work for me. I ended up dropping from an e-board position of a student org that I didn't fully believe in, and instead went out for formal recruitment for Greek life. Since then, I have gained friends who truly treat me the way a friend should rather than being used. I felt a great improvement in my mental health because I was surrounded by so many positive, energetic people. I never envisioned myself in a sorority, but it proved to be the best decision for me.

And since then, my life has only continued to get better. I finally got knee surgery for my torn ACL, became the editor in chief for my Odyssey community, and now living with roommates who are pretty awesome. I know it's only getting better from here, or at least I have that mentality on my good days.

When my anxiety kicks in, however, I forget all of that. High school for me was a whole chapter filled with so many bad memories with only a handful of good ones. I dreaded waking up every morning because I, honestly, hated most of the people I went to school with. I was miserable, and it seemed one bad thing was happening after the next.

My anxiety has tricked me into believing it's all going to go bad, and it will be all my fault. I overanalyze the interactions I have with people because I become convinced people either feel sorry for me or just hate me. I know I had people in my life who want me around, but I begin to question everything.

I've thought about why I decided to come to Temple University, and really if it's the best fit for me.

I begin to question why I received a bid from my sorority because I sometimes feel like I don't fit in at all.

I also believe all my friends hate me or just annoyed by me, and don't know how to get rid of me.

However, I know it's just my anxiety. I still have bad days, but it isn't like in high school where I seemed miserable during the week.

My anxiety has just gotten the better of me recently, and I know I can overcome it.

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.
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You won't see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won't laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won't go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They'll miss you. They'll cry.

You won't fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won't get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won't be there to wipe away your mother's tears when she finds out that you're gone.

You won't be able to hug the ones that love you while they're waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won't be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won't find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won't celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won't turn another year older.

You will never see the places you've always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You'll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges, and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it's not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don't let today be the end.

You don't have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It's not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I'm sure you're no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won't do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you'll be fine." Because when they aren't, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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You Can Get In 'Bad Moods' And Still Be A Positive Person

No, it's not contradictory. It's the truth.

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For 10 straight years of my life, starting in eighth grade, I was definitely not considered a happy-go-lucky girl. I was consistently at a comfortable level of happiness, sure, but was I jumping for joy for every part of my day without a complaint? Hell no, I had something to say about nearly everything with my eyes practically rolling out of my skull. Now? I am that happy presence in the room, and I have fallen in love with my new self. Is that weird? Maybe. Is it something so simple that absolutely anyone can achieve it? Absofuckinglutely.

What am I like now? Let me break it down for you, and then I want you to try to say that you have no interest in being this way in your own life, too. These are some of the smallest, yet miraculous changes I have ever applied to my life. My normally structured everyday life, my routines and my habits (good and bad).

Some of the easiest parts of your life are the hardest to break. If you understand that sentence to the depth that I'm trying to convey it, then your life is about to change.

I get up the first time I hear my alarm, every morning. I haven't pressed "snooze" in about six months. I get up at 5:02 am every single day, do you know how hard that is?! But do you know it's the easiest way to make for better days? Start your days better, and you'll see better days.

Get excited to light that morning candle because it's still dark out. A new outfit combination to keep things interesting, and feeling that hot water wake you up and release any tension in your body and bones from the night before. It's a new day, and it's up to you to make it a damn good one.

Right there, you're thinking "I can't be a positive person because sometimes I don't have a good day." Ummm, what? Robot? Is that you?

We all have bad days. Complete dog shit days, actually. Just because we are in the process or are these "newly born positive hippie fairy people", does not mean we can control the universe and what it does to us. The world will break your heart six times by Sunday and that's a damn fact. However, you can fall in love with seven of those days. Stay a step ahead of yourself. You won't regret it.

How do you handle the bad days? Simplicity here too.

Work on what you say and how you say it. I say hello to anyone I make eye contact with. Do you know how many people I pass running through meetings and a high school all day long? That's a lot of smiles. And when it comes to conversations, I never end one sentence on a negative note. Even when I'm complaining, I make sure to find a silver lining, regardless of its size, to end my sentence.

Find that little glimmer of hope and positivity, no matter how stereotypical it seems, and emphasize on it.

Make sure you complete that sentence.

Make sure people hear you.

And yes, sometimes things just really are that bad, and you can't find a good in why something happened when it did, the way it did, or why you're feeling the way you do about it. Guess what? Not an excuse. You can still find hope, but only if you're looking. "Hey, that was so shitty and I am taking it so hard and I really hate everything right now, but it could've been worse, and at least I never have to live today again."

Easy as Sunday morning, right?

You don't have to "STAY POSITIVE" to be a positive person. You just have to promise to always try your best to stay positive. That's literally all it takes. That's it.

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