9:05 a.m.: The first Monday of the semester, the only Monday of the semester, where every classmate will be in full attendance. I sit there droopy-eyed and groggy, combating a raging headache from the onset of severe alcohol-induced dehydration, while attempting to peel my eyelids open as the professor (five minutes late) walks in.

9:10: She starts the usual drone of the "back in the swing of things" lecture. She is dressed in business casual: a good sign — not too strict, not too relaxed. I glance around the classroom in my usual methodical motion, taking notice of my new classmates, but ultimately my competition. I see no potential threats during this class period; I'm going to get that A dammit.

9:20: I love syllabus week. Wow, how great. Just read word-for-word what your course goals are. Please, I encourage it, I need to know exactly what this course, Intro to Basket Weaving, will prepare me for in the treacherous voyage we call life. I can totally nap right now, she would never even know. Bringing sunglasses was a game-changer.

9:30: OK Becky, now I know that's not coffee in your mug. You're really not fooling anyone here. Her jokes are not that funny, you have to be six shots deep by now to laugh at this crap. If I had tequila right now I'd think she was greatest professor-comedian combo I'd ever seen. Mental note: Befriend Becky.

9:40: This class is going to be C-A-K-E. Once I befriend Becky, we can pre-game together, it will be great. "Intro to BW Drunk Edition: Tequila Leads Promising Students To Straight A's." Ha, I'm so funny I don't even need college. I'll just drop out, be a stand-up. People love me; I can do this.

9:50: Oh sh*t. Why does that slide say chapter one. We can't be doing actual work, is this woman mad? Well at least I'm not drunk. Sucks to be you, Becky. Such a juvenile mistake. Part of me wants to cry. I don't even know what this slide says. You need a textbook for basket weaving?

10:00: OK breathe, it's almost over. Only two term papers, four exams, weekly reflections and random 30-point quizzes. No sweat. It's basket weaving. How hard can this actually be! I'm smarter than this. Wow... I was not fully aware that basket weaving was a cultural phenomenon in the middle east for over 12,000 years, but that's fine, we can totally learn about every year of history in this semester!

10:05: What the hell did I get myself into.