Growing up biracial I was always in the middle of my ethnicity, questioning" am I this, am I that, or both? Can I be both? Will I be accepted?". The standardized tests tell me no. All my life filling out the bubbles, I had to choose just one. When my mother filled out my forms, I was white, but my teachers always told me to "put black". At these times I realized I just became who they wanted me to be. Eventually, when I had my own choice, I always found myself choosing 'other'.
Being a person of a multi-race is a challenge that many people don't understand. It was harder for me to figure out who I wanted to be because there was so much of my background I had to understand. My identity, both parts of me, were always fighting against each other. I was black and I was white. My ancestors on one side were slaves and my other ancestors were the slave owners. Everybody wanted me to pick a side, and I tried. Around my white family and friends, my personality conformed. I was a completely different person, I acted like them, I talked differently. I was who they expected me to be. I did the same things around my black friends and family. If you could watch a movie in my life you would think I had multiple personalities. I changed myself to feel like I belonged wherever I was, but, on the inside, I just wanted to break out and be who I wanted to be. However, when I was me, I was accepted by neither.
To many white people, I was "just black"; My hair was nappy, and my skin was darker than theirs, so my actual biological background meant nothing to them. To many black people, I was "just white"; Seeing that my mother was white, they believed I didn't go through any struggles like they did. My skin was a little too light for them and I had what they call "white people hair'. I felt disgusted to be me because anywhere I went, I was the outcast. On both sides, I was being treated like a privileged girl, without receiving any of the privileges. It was frustrating that no matter who I was, regardless of my ethnicity, I was, however, they viewed me. I get a lot of ignorant comments daily from everyone. From my black peers I get, "Is your daddy black? Well, that means you black", "You got white people hair", 'You got half of a black card", ''You don't go through this, you got a white mama", "you act white". From my white peers I've gotten, "You're my favorite dark skin", "Your hair is so big and nappy", "Your mom is white? How did this happen?", "you act black". The comment I get the most from everyone is "When I first met you, I thought you were Mexican".
All these things were provoking and frustrating. I have experienced it all. I am both of my cultures equally. I have had the life of a white girl and a black girl. Throughout these ambivalent experiences, I always found myself realizing that it doesn't matter what I am to them I will always be whatever they see. Then it hit me, it doesn't matter what matters to them! It's about what matters to me, who I am, who I want to identify to be. I decided to embrace every side of me because I AM everything that makes me, me. I am the creator of both my mother and my father, equally! Like the color purple, I am the product of a mixture of two colors. My last name literally means varied, diverse, mixed. I wasn't meant to be one or the other, I am ethnically ambiguous!
