I couldn't give you a quality explanation for the death of our friendship, but I can easily recall exactly how she likes her coffee, her favorite color (both black btw), and the high of pure happiness we felt on the nights where we just needed to feel the wind in our hair and our best friend next to us in the passenger seat. We did absolutely everything together and in the trying times of our early college years, she was the back bone I needed more times than I could ever count and my right hand woman in every drunken adventure. At the end of Summer 2016, I felt the start of the distance between us as our friendship began to fade, and it wasn't long after that when things went radio silent. For a friendship that had endured so much together, I couldn't wrap my head around why my best friend didn't want to be my best friend anymore. With every attempt I made to understand, I became lost in the emotion of my own hurt feelings and was never able to completely comprehend it. For years I chalked it up to boys, to jealousy, to any petty little thing that would make me feel better about the pain she caused me and her lack of explanation for causing it. I was hurt, I was angry, and I was betrayed.

Old friend, if you ever find yourself reading this, please don't stop here. Eventually, I made sense of it all, bare with me.

Have you ever had a relationship that meant so much to you, yet it left you feeling inadequate? For you, maybe it was an intimate relationship with a boyfriend who you loved dearly, yet he continuously manipulated and belittled you in to believing that you deserved his infidelity. Maybe it was a relationship with a family member who constantly reminded you of your negative characteristics and boggled you down with criticism that left you feeling like you'd never be enough. For me, it was a friend who couldn't quite understand our differences, and incessantly reminded me of my failures all too often.

The dissolving of that very friendship was the start of my growth and understanding of toxic relationships, the negative effects they have on our lives and our happiness, and the realization and acceptance of my own toxic traits.

When I escaped the confines of my toxic relationship, I was left feeling more free of negativity and full of happiness than I had in months. I went about living what was quite literally "my best life," and strove to do new and different things that truly made me happy without fear of not receiving the validation we often look for in our toxic relationships. I felt more opportune to pursue new friendships of similar interests and journey out to grow from my experiences and become who I feel I was always supposed to be (Example A- This Blog). It was the best I had felt in years, and as I sat on my porch one late summer night with a bottle of Reggae Red, I pondered all that had recently occurred in my life and had a realization.

Are you still with me old friend?

When our friendship began to disperse, I was at such a selfish place in my life. I was consumed with the excitement and happiness of the new relationship that me and my now fiancé had recently started and didn't invest the time I once did into our friendship. Though my new relationship status was bringing me happiness, my life was a complete mess elsewhere. I had recently dropped out of school, and began a whirlwind of emotions that took three years to work through. I can only imagine how consuming my negativity was for you… all the while I was expecting you to be the friend I needed, but wasn't willing to be.

I was her TOXIC RELATIONSHIP!!

Sometimes we get to places in life where relationships that we once valued and adored so much become toxic to our happiness. My old friend wasn't being petty, selfish, or malicious when she made the decision to distance herself from me and my life. She was making the right decision for HERSELF and her HAPPINESS and one that I hope taught her the same exact lesson I learned years later. If you are ever confronted with the realization of toxicity in any of your friendships, family or intimate relationships, please remember this… Although letting go of the familiar and cutting out people that have played such concrete rolls in your life is difficult, the negativity and inadequate feelings they are continually bringing to your life are becoming concrete as well. Push past the unfamiliar and do for yourself what only you can. Ditch the people and things that bring you negativity and feelings of inadequacy and surround yourself with those who respect you, love you, support you, and encourage you to live your life as your true self in the most unforgiving ways.

Most importantly, when you get to the other side, and you're having your own bottle of red wine moment, take the time to think about and learn your own toxic traits. We are all beyond capable of being someone's toxic relationship. It is our responsibility to figure out which of our traits are toxic or negatively impact the ones that we love and ultimately inhibit us from becoming our best selves. Today I am extremely thankful for my "red wine moment" and my beautiful old friend who taught me one of life’s most important lessons… You are allowed to walk away from people and things that hurt you and you are allowed to be selfish when it comes to your happiness. Don't ever feel guilty for doing what's best for you because you owe no one an explanation for taking care of yourself.