Coming home for the summer meant returning to the same city as my ex boyfriend, Anthony*. We broke up after a rocky, on-and-off, long distance disaster. We had one of those relationships that barely survived when we lived ten minutes apart and didn't stand a chance to the challenges that distance proposed.
He and I met when I was a junior in high school. I had never been in a serious relationship before, and having been fed a steady diet of American media and cheesy fan fiction, was desperate for romance. I was so blinded by the newfound relationship that I failed to address many red-flags. Anthony has a complicated life. His culture, which he struggles to fit into, surrounds him on a daily basis. His mother is overbearing and controlling. He has mental illnesses and learning disabilities.
But none of those obstacles are excuses for the emotional abuse he put me through.
I always try and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, especially when I'm first getting to know them. The amount of negative rumors that I had heard about this boy was startling, but I decided to take his word that they were all started by people who bullied him. Additionally, when multiple people warned me that he was talking to multiple girls while we were first dating, I believed him when he told me that they were just jealous.
We broke up once within the first three months, and then two more times before we had been together a year. He would break up with me due to his depression, often stating that he was planning on killing himself, and didn't want to put me through the pain of being his girlfriend. We always found ways to reconcile and resume the relationship, but I also found that as our relationship withstood many breakups, it was becoming increasingly harder to separate myself from my partner.
I spent all of my free time with Anthony. I abandoned important and long term friendships in order to spend time with him, who was always demanding my time. I was constantly lying to my parents, who disapproved of Anthony, about where I was. I felt like I couldn't refuse his demands for me to be with him all the time- I was afraid of upsetting or disappointing him.
Although he always assured me of his fidelity, his actions contradicted his words. I often found his behavior towards other girls suspicious, but he always told me that I was being overly jealous or paranoid. When he finally did admit to cheating on me in June of 2018, I wasn't even surprised. I promptly ended things with him, which did not go over well. He sent me multiple photos of himself cutting and even threatened suicide. I eventually got back together with him after many tearful conversations and promises he would never fulfill.
Things just continued to go down hill. When I went away for college, we broke up a few more times but always managed to rekindle our relationship. It was the classic cycle of abuse, in which I would be swindled into taking him back by the brief euphoria of love and attention he would show me after a fight.
I finally mustered up the courage to permanently end things this May. I realized that I wasn't receiving anything positive from being with him- not love, affection, encouragement, or anything one should expect from a partner. I felt drained, angry, and exasperated. While our last conversation was explosive and harsh, I felt relieved that I could finally air out the many grievances that had been piling up.
Being in close vicinity with my abusive ex-boyfriend is stressful. While I have him blocked on all forms of social media, we do share friends and acquaintances, which increases the possibility of me running into him in person. Additionally, the mere environment around me serves as a constant source of memories. For now, I'm just trying to keep busy with work and friends, as well as rebuilding the relationships that I let collapse due to my abusive relationship.
If anyone out there is going through something similar, I hope you're taking this summer to heal and recuperate. We'll get to a point where we finally feel strong again, can trust again, and can love ourselves fully.
*Name has been changed.
