If you're anything like me, you can not recall the specific moment that you were taken captive by this vile enemy. As for myself, I am convinced that it was somewhere in between those preppy Hollister girls excluding me from every conversation in the 8th grade and that High School senior boy that never called me back after our first date. But maybe it came before that. Maybe it first spotted me when I starred at myself in the mirror and realized I wasn’t that pretty. Maybe it was lurking in the middle of my mother and father as they screamed back and forth to one another as I sat there with each word piercing my heart. All I know is that the same way I would wrap myself around my daddy’s leg while he was walking out on us, insecurity wrapped itself tightly around my neck.
I
couldn’t
b r e a t h e
When you are strangled, subsequently you lose oxygen to your brain, things start to get a little foggy and hazy, and then you die. Well, as this ailment grew stronger, my vision became increasingly impaired. Clothes that I always had conviction about buying were hanging up in my closet and all over my social media. Intimate friendships that I had once developed and truly cared for, began being cut off by the saw in my own hand. And relationships with men that I had no business being apart of, I entered joyfully and willingly. Insecurity had stolen my identity away from me entirely and after 20 years, it was about time I grew sick and tired of it. Aren't you? I mean, really. Haven’t us women been embarrassed by this bully enough?
We have bruises all over our souls and then people wonder why we are so sensitive. Every waking moment we are shoved, hit, and slapped by the deceitful lies of insecurity. We can be doing something as innocent as checking out of the grocery store and an airbrushed, photoshopped, unrealistic woman is starring right at us, reminding us of what we don't have. We can be doing some nice Christmas shopping at the mall and then find ourselves belittled by a poster of a half naked woman, blown up for every one to see. Society is not changing anytime soon, so we must begin to.
After I had given my life to Christ, I would still sit in the college cafeteria with headphones in my ears, listening to no music at all, just to avoid people coming up to talk to me. Insecurity brought along fear. Whenever I would see a group of girls hanging out, I would intentionally pretend to forget something and jolt in the other direction just so I wouldn’t automatically compare myself to them. Insecurity brought along anxiety. Whenever my opinion was dismissed or I was told I was wrong, I would scream out of frustration. Insecurity brought along pride.
If you clicked on this and are reluctant, but able to admit insecurity is holding you back from the best life has to offer- there is so much hope, sister. All of this H O P E is found wrapped up in the graceful, loving arms of Jesus. God would not have brought light to this situation if He wasn't willing to heal it all of the way. But just like your insecurity did not form over night, healing will not always take place quickly either. It's going to get messy- real messy- but thankfully our Father is in the business of making even the dirtiest messes, beautiful.
For me, I didn’t know I was in bondage until I felt freedom. “Letting go” was not my strong suit, so the Lord did what I couldn’t. He removed certain obstacles from my life; Obstacles I had relied on for so long for so long, and though I was lost, scared, and vulnerable when stripped of my comfortability- the cross beckoned me.
It’s a battle every single day and sometimes I lose miserably… but I will not allow myself to voluntarily walk back into my prison cell when the doors are wide open, just because it is what I am used to. I will continue to take heart and engrave this verse on my heart, the way my name is engraved on the palm of my Father.
Isaiah 41:9-10 “I have chosen you. I have not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, I am your God.”
