My Endless Internal Debate

I have been seeing a lot of posts on social media about interracial relationships, and it has me thinking about them a lot more than I normally do. That is saying something, because I spend a good amount of my time thinking about this subject because I am often attracted to men outside of my race. In my time analyzing interracial relationships, I often think that I come to a conclusion on them, until something else comes up, and then I get confused again. So, this article is not to criticize anyone, but to put my evolving thoughts on paper to try and figure things out and hopefully get feedback, because I am in desperate need of it.

Interracial relationships were never a weird concept to me because of this one family that I knew at my elementary school. And I know I am only referencing one family, but they left an impact on me. It was a black man and white woman, with the man being significantly dark, and the woman being significantly pale. I remembered being fascinated by them as a child, wanting to be like them as an adult, because they were cool to not look similar. I had no idea at that point that they probably faced a ton of adversity. As I got older, I always remembered that family and my ideas of them changed, in a good way. I found them to be even cooler than I even first believed. To be able to show their love for each other, even while facing hate from outsiders, was something incredible to me. This concept was also able to translate easily then to gay marriage also for me, because I quickly realized that it was very much the same fight. Why should one be judged for loving who they love? I eventually realized that that question may have been harder to answer than I first thought.

As I entered high school, I soon realized that my attractions were not generally towards my own race. My crushes were always men who were not white, which I was fine with, because I had already thought it was cool to be in a relationship with someone who was different than yourself. It was not until I got to college that I started to feel guilty for being attracted to black men. I realized the significance behind the history in the black community of what it meant to be with a white person. I started to think it was wrong of me to feel the way I did. I still do sometimes. For years, I have been having the same debate in my head over and over again. I finally thought I got to a conclusion in the debate after talking about it with my one friend who reminded me that you cannot help who you are attracted to. She also said not to listen to the people who are against interracial relationships, because all the reasoning is dumb, which for the most part I agree with. So, I felt better after that and tried to convince myself to end the debate for good.

Then posts occur criticizing Donald Glover or Serena Williams for marrying white people. They are said to be not pro-black or marrying the enemy, and often, white people are criticized as race traitors. All of the ideas seem crazy, but yet so many people believe them, so I am left wondering, trapped in this endless debate. Literally, I am trapped in my head unable to make any moves, because this debate will not end. Does anyone else feel like that? Am I crazy for focusing so much energy into this debate? I would love some feedback. Thank you.