People say love is blind, and I think that's very true. When you really, truly love someone, it’s easier to overlook their flaws than if they were a friend or an acquaintance. You’re willing to put bad things that happen between you two in the past because the idea of losing that person is far worse. Love is enduring and, sometimes, short-sighted. Love can be beautiful and exhilarating. However, sometimes the blindness of love makes us turn the other way from something that truly isn’t good for us.
For me, it began with small things. Small lies about what had happened or what he was doing. In retrospect, I think these “small” things set the precedent for what was to come. Then, the arguing started. What usually happened was that the little things would build and build until I exploded from frustration and pain. Of course, that made me look like the “crazy” one, that I was overreacting because he “hadn’t done anything wrong.” But really, the disrespect and manipulation had grown to be a huge burden that I couldn’t take anymore. The cycle would continue: small things, build, fight, repeat.
I didn’t realize I was in an emotionally manipulative relationship. After I would get upset, I would feel horrible. I used to lie awake at night and wonder what I could do differently, how I could be better for him. If I was the one starting the fights (or that’s how it seemed), I must be the one doing something wrong. I didn’t realize he was the one pushing me to react, then acting surprised when I did so.
I didn’t realize the relationship was one-sided. At the time, I would have done absolutely anything to make him happy. If he called me in the middle of the night, I would be there. It took me a long time to realize it wasn’t being reciprocated.
“I’m busy.”
“I have too much work.’
“I really just want to be with the boys tonight.”
Then, my responses:
“Ok, I understand.”
“Ok, I love you, call me when you can.”
“Ok, have fun”
The “I love you’s” became few and far between, and boys nights turned into every night. And still, I waited.
I realize this sounds pathetic. I was raised to be strong, to not be the girl that puts her boyfriend first. If you had told me when I was younger that this would be me, I would have laughed at you, because I know I’m important, and that my needs matter, too. I just forgot for a little while.
My friends would constantly tell me how bad he was, how horribly he treated me. It took many months, but I finally realized what it was doing to me. It suddenly became clear that this relationship was turning me into someone I wasn’t, someone I didn’t want to be. I loved him so much, but it took me a long time to see that that dedication wasn’t returned. The love was there, but the respect? Nowhere to be found. And still, I loved him, because I couldn’t shake the idea that I knew who he “really was.”
It’s painful to realize that someone isn’t who you thought they were. It honestly feels like a personal defeat when the person you’ve been defending and caring for turns out to be someone entirely different. Just as I had to realize it on my own, I had to work through the final break-up on my own. He wasn’t there. I was quite literally mourning a person that didn’t exist.
Love is blind. I don’t regret my love for him, and I hope I never do. The manipulative relationship I immersed myself in for so long had helped me grow immensely. I look back on it, on the girl who was so in love she was willing to push through all the bad days for one good one with him. I hope to love like that again, and I’m confident I will. But now, I know to love someone despite their flaws, but respect myself at the same time.
