What do you want to be when you grow up?
When I was a little kid, growing up and becoming an “adult” seemed impossibly far away. I felt like I would be a kid forever, each day melting into the next with no worries to weigh me down. Back then 18-year-olds were adults in my mind! They were old, in college, and had it all figured out (or so I thought). As a kid, I had ages until I had to worry about the years of adulthood. The world was completely open to my interpretation. I was free of responsibilities or expectations.
“Growing up” isn’t so far away now. I've reached the point in college where everyone has begun to ask me a different question.
What are you going to do after you graduate?
I don't have any answers, but I'm expected to. My kid-self expected me to. The world doesn't seem so open anymore and I feel like I need to make a decision quickly before my time is up and I’m thrown into post-grad life without a plan. This thought is quite daunting, and now graduation has begun to feel like an expiration date on my childhood. To be honest, I’m not quite ready to grow up. I’m not ready to take on the weight of the world, but I try anyways.
I think society has created a standard for what it looks like to be a grown up, to be a "real adult," and we hopelessly attempt to meet it in an effort to feel in control of our lives. Most of us have no idea what we are doing, so we fake it. But underneath our put-together surfaces, sometimes we still need our parents to tell us it’s all going to be ok and tuck us into bed at night.
Attempting to be adult-like is a one step forward, two steps back kind of deal. Every time I think I’m starting to get a grasp on "adulting," I realize I’ve been wearing my underwear backwards all day and got ticketed for parking my car in a bike lane. I’m still a kid in many ways. I’m still figuring things out.
Many of us are so focused on the future and faking it that we can’t simply live in the present. But there’s so much to live for in the now. We need to slow down and recognize the beauty of today in all its chaos and confusion. It’s okay not to have all of the answers. It’s ok to be scared of the unknown. It’s okay for things to be undetermined or undecided. It’s okay.
This is the time to make mistakes and learn from them. To go exploring and get undeniably and irresponsibly lost. To walk the line of selflessness and selfishness and sometimes choose the latter.
It’s time to embrace now for what it is: an adventure that will probably get messier before it starts to make sense.
