Makeup, pretty much across the board, has been accepted as an expression of feminine gender identity. Men are not expected to wear makeup, and can even be mocked for wearing makeup, while women run the risk of being seen as unprofessional if they go without it.

Ever since my journey into realizing my gender identity, the question has come up often for me: am I allowed to be non-binary and also wear makeup? I've spent a long portion of my life identifying as female, since that was the gender I was assigned at birth, and am nearly constantly identified as female by strangers and called “miss,” “ma’am,” etc. It seems that no matter what I wear, how I hold myself, or how I speak, I'll always be seen as female.

Since coming out, I’ve tried to reject this feminine presentation I have. I’ve worn more and more clothes from the men’s department, started speaking in a deeper voice, and overall tried my best to make it so that I’m identified as anything other than female.

But here’s the thing: when I’m not identified as female, which is incredibly rare, I’m read as male. And while I have the deepest love and respect for all trans men, I'm not one of them. Being read as male is in one way much better than being read as female, because at least I’m not being seen as cisgender, but it's also not my identity. No matter what I do, my appearance never causes people to pause and reconsider how they identify me, or better yet ask me up front how I identify. While I would love it if I could give off an invisible radio signal that I'm non-binary, that's just not a realistic goal.

Then the final problem emerges: I love makeup. It's perhaps the first thing people notice you wearing, since it’s plain and visible on your face, and something society as stigmatized as a feminine-coded thing. I love it so much. I love watching people apply it on YouTube, I love spending my hours and dollars applying it myself, watching myself transform, and I even love wearing the occasional skirt or two. But indulging in such things makes others read me as a feminine person, which is a big downside, especially on days when I feel insecure about the validity of my identity as a non-binary person.

So I’m left with the only realization I can afford myself: that I should just deal with it. It’s a sad conclusion. It’s one of the hardest conclusion for a trans person to realize, but it’s true: people will more often than not assume I'm a different gender than I’d like them to, and that’s something that's not entirely within my control. No matter how much I force a masculine-only gender identity, it will not change the fact that people would rather read me as a butch queer woman than as anything else. Makeup certainly does not help my case, but why should I give up something I love doing simply to please others? The answer is that I shouldn't.

So yes, I realize that wearing a full face of makeup, along with pointed eyeliner wings, carved eyebrows, and bright red lipstick confuses you, especially when you learn I don't identify as a woman. But how you see me doesn't make me any more or less valid in my gender identity. I like my lipstick, my eyeliner, and my painted brows. You might read them as something feminine about me, but to me my makeup is a genderless form of art and self expression. It makes me happy, and while I know I risk being read as cisgender because of it, I’m learning to accept that. I shouldn't, and can't give up something I see as a part of myself just because it makes others see me differently.