Ahh, the childhood days of elementary school. A time where kids roamed on the playground, colored in crayon, and had little to no control of their bladder and sphincter. Being young, you probably had a blast in elementary school. I mean, you weren't constantly being crushed by the weight of a college workload (can I get an "Amen?!"), but looking back on it now, you probably feel the burden of embarrassment. You may be perfect now, like me, but back then, you were probably some dorky, weird little kid (also like me).
1). Calling your teacher "Mom."
We've all been there and done that, but if you haven't, then congratulations, you actually think before you say things! Wow, good for you! Maybe it wasn't even your teacher, maybe it was your school's principal or maybe even the school janitor. You say, "Mom" and realize your mistake just as the words escape your lips. Your friends turn to you and burst out in laughter, and the other kids point and laugh. And you, you just slowly slide down lower and lower in your chair.
2). Walking into the wrong bathroom.
Come on, you have to have done this at least once! You were too busy looking at all the fun posters in the hallway and didn't pay attention to the sign on the door and boom, before you know it, you're in the wrong bathroom. (Or maybe you did it on purpose because you were curious?) Anyways, the walls aren't the right color and you've never seen a urinal before in your life and you just think to yourself "How the f*ck am I suppose to sit on that?" And then it hits you, you're in the wrong bathroom. You run out into the hallway and pray no one saw you. For some reason, this was always way more embarrassing for the boys. Nonetheless, this moment probably stayed with you your whole life.
3). The nose-picker and the glue-eater.
Whether it was you or that one kid in class, we've all seen this one. This kid sits there and digs for gold in their nose all class and sneakily wipes it under the desk. Or maybe the kid in your class was more daring and actually put it in their mouth. Chances are, everyone watched them do it and they were probably ridiculed (poor booger boy). I've never actually come across a glue-eater, but I imagine it was probably another stomach-churning feat to watch.
4). Being forced to play the recorder.
That thing was a creation of Satan himself. They forced you to play it and memorize songs that sounded like absolute a** when performed on that pathetic stick. If you took an elderly bird that had a squeaky toy stuck in their throat, has tonsillitis, all while having an asthma attack, and blew into its butt, it would produce the exact same noise as a recorder.
5). Being picked last.
If you weren't as athletic as the other kids, they knew it and they refused to pick you for their team. Or maybe you were incredibly talented, but you were a girl, and therefore all the boys were always picked over you. Regardless, it's a major confidence-killer when you're consistently chosen last in games.
6). Peeing your pants or farting in class.
As a kid, you don't have the control of your bladder and sphincter that you do today. Maybe you laughed too hard at a joke and let one rip in the middle of class and then you blamed it on the poor kid sitting by you. Or maybe your teacher didn't let you go to the bathroom when you asked and you accidentally made a code yellow (or worse) in your pants while you waited. Whatever it was, it happens and it's embarrassing. But just know that we've all done it once, and that misery loves company.
7). Having to hold hands in the hall.
Chances are your teacher made you hold hands with your line partner if you were walking to anywhere in the school as a class. You were probably unlucky and got stuck with the nose-picker or that boy who always smelled like old cheese. Or you were one of those lucky bastards who got paired up with their best friends and I hate you.
8). Your underwear was always out of your pants.
You hadn't discovered the magical device called the "belt" yet and so your pants never stayed around your waist. You'd sit down in class or at the lunch table, and, "Oh, look who came to join! It's Ursula Underwear!" No matter how many times you pulled up your pants, she just always wanted to be part of the action. Did you figure out the secret of pulling your shirt down? Well congrats, because as soon as you squirmed around, "There she blows!" Seriously, when you have kids, make them wear a belt.
9). Getting on the wrong school bus .
It's the end of the day and the excitement clouds your vision and there you go, onto the wrong bus. You had two options: either turn around and face the walk of shame, or sit their quietly until everybody gets dropped off and the bus driver thinks to himself "Who the f*ck is that kid?"
Maybe you didn't even get on the wrong bus, but when your bus wasn't in its typical spot, you got a heart attack. "What? Is my bus even here? How will I get home? Guess I'll never see my parents again, I'll just be trapped here forever. Goodbye Scruffy. Oh wait, there it is!"
10). Forgetting to put your name on your paper
You were a girl, you had chicken-scratch handwriting, or maybe you were a boy who had obnoxiously neat handwriting, but when you forgot to put your name on your paper you were doomed. The teacher starts to hand back the papers and gets to yours... "Hmm looks like a [insert opposite gender here]'s paper." It wasn't, it was yours and now you're embarrassed when you have to get up and go grab it.
11). Being absurdly weird
Part of being young is being strange. You did a lot of weird things. Your best friend was probably either imaginary or some inanimate object like a chair. My weird childhood thing was this club I made called "The Poopmonkeys." I was the leader of the club and I went by the name Meepo. By the end of the school year, every single kid in third grade at my school had joined my club. We all had strange names and played strange made-up games together at recess. And this just goes to show, that we were all just a bunch of weirdos.
