1. The Campus
There is a Stepford Wives-esque feel to the campus. Maybe it's the perfectly manicured lawns. Maybe it's the abundant foliage. My guess is the fountains. They are hiding something. No school needs that many. What are you trying to hide, Leo Lambert?2. The Joggers
Where are they all running? What are they running from? Day or night, rain or shine they can be seen trotting through campus. I just hope the struggle is worth the reward.3. The Lingo
Fracket, HBB, The Boobs, Nades, D Nades, Smitty J, Burly, Club Belk, first-year, norts, truffle fries--the school has invented its own language. You may think you know what truffle fries are, but you don't truly know until you've eaten them at The Root. Any student can tell you that The Boobs are where you go to play frisbee and Club Belk is where you spend the week before finals. This subculture runs through the student population. Smitty J is probably behind it.4. The Geofilters
How can a small, private liberal arts school have seven Snapchat geofilters? Someone is clearly bribing Snapchat HQ with Acorn cookies.
5. Traditions
Please find me another school that gives you an acorn at First-Year Convocation and a sapling at Graduation. They tell us that Elon is Hebrew for oak, but I've never heard this claim substantiated. Maybe pinecones are just too expensive or poison ivy causes too many rashes. Something is up with the tree symbolism, I'm telling you.
I have never had to pay for a sporting event, performance, speaker, or concert. There is no conceivable way that an academic institution of the grandeur can finance this lifestyle.
6. Festivus
Um…yeah7. Dr. Danieley
This man is the backbone of the entire institution. One of the sweetest, kindest, smartest, and most well-respected members of the Elon community, Dr. Danieley can be found at College Coffee every Tuesday or in the stands at basketball games, cheering on the team. Elon is dependent on Dr. Danieley. He is the hero Elon both deserves and needs. The fate of the entire university rests in his gentle hands. No place on the planet can compare to Elon for this reason alone.
8. No Chipotle
Some people say that a town isn't a town unless it has a library. I believe that a town isn't a town unless it has a Chipotle. Your move, Elon Dining Services.
9. Ludacris
He performed last year's homecoming concert. Ludacris is also not real, so my theory stands.10. It's in the South?
The school is supposedly in North Carolina. Yet everyone I meet is from Connecticut or Massachusetts. There is no evidence to prove that this school is not in the New England countryside. The number of Southern accents is far and few in between. If this school is in the South, why am I not bathing in sweet tea? Wake up, people.
11. bELONg
I bELONg. You bELONg. Your professors bELONg. We all bELONg. bELONg to what? Is there someone who doesn't bELONg? I don't remember agreeing to this, and yet I have this saying on multiple t-shirts that I got for free, of course. Be careful of those who don't bELONg. (I'm looking at you, High Point.) Lock your doors. Stay inside. Wait for the Smitty J email saying it's safe.
