It’s funny.
Most of my problems stem from the journalism club I joined back in December.
I despise it.
Yet, something keeps roping me back.
Flower in hand, I pick off its petals. Do I leave? Do I stay? Do I leave? Do I stay?
Ever since that event happened (refer to my second article), I’ve been avoiding the club room for a good 4-5 months. Any emails I get, I would ignore. Every time my friends would encourage me to come back, I would ignore.
I then began wondering: I have no reason to avoid the room. All I have to do is just ignore her.
It then struck me. It wasn’t just one person but everyone.
Ever since I joined, I’ve been awestruck by everyone. Be it their art, writing, or designing, I thought to myself: “Wow, I am going to be working with these amazing people.”
However, then another thought occurred to me. What can I do? What do I have to offer? Won’t I just be a nuisance?
At that point in my life, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. So, I did what any lost person would do, I dabbled in everything. From music to web design, I often switched interests to explore what I felt like doing. In the end, I became mediocre at everything and never excelled at anything.
My whole life I’ve been introverted and as a result, I had trouble interacting with others. Instead of making plans with people, I would be locked in my room studying or playing video games. I don’t have anyone to impress. I have no reason to be working hard. But in the back of my mind, I wanted someone to notice me.
All this time, I’ve been wanting for someone to acknowledge my work. I know for sure there will always be one person who is better than what I’m doing, but instead of facing this as reality, I turned a blind eye to it. I saw everything as a competition rather than an opportunity to learn.
As soon I realized there’s nothing I can offer to my journalism club, I felt utterly useless. I knew that if I leave, no one would bat an eye. I was in the mindset that if I have nothing to offer there, I have no reason to be there.
I can’t help but laugh at how much of an idiot I was.
Recently, I read a Tumblr post that I’m sure some might recognize:
“You all have a little bit of ‘I want to save the world’ in you, that’s why you’re here, college. I want you to know that it’s okay if you only save one person, and it’s okay if that person is you.”
After a wake-up call from a dear friend of mine, I realized that I don’t need to work to impress others. I wanted praise from others to make myself feel better but I know that won’t happen. I’ve come to accept that people won’t always recognize how hard you worked. Some only care about results. That’s alright. I only want to work for my self-satisfaction, and that’s all I need.
I really want to return. I want that place to be like another home to me. I want to have fun and work with others with a smile on my face. However, I don’t think I’m ready to face everyone again. I know some resent me while others will just ignore me. None of them will appreciate what I do. What I won’t accept is people bringing me down. As soon as I realize I’m not accepted in that place, I’m leaving immediately.
To those who are lost, disregarded, or alone: At the end of the day, you should walk with stride and know that you’re satisfied with who you are.
On a final note, thanks to those who have been supporting me. I know I can be stubborn, so thank you for sticking with me even if I am at my worse.
