I thought I knew what faith was. It's believing that hard times come to an end, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that good eventually trumps evil. But perhaps there is much more to it than that. I came across a quote that has really stuck with me this past week, and I thought I'd share it here as well. It goes like this: "Prayer is bringing your wishes and worries to God. Faith is leaving them there." Whoa. Insightful, right? Although there are times we are simply asked to endure something, say a feeling like pain or sorrow for a time, what about enduring to understand and grow, rather than simply make it out alive?

After high school graduation, the road seemed pretty clear and bright ahead - brighter than it had been in years in all truthfulness. I felt impressed to attend a certain college (despite its high price, especially for undergraduate studies), I spent countless hours applying for scholarships, I worked two summers saving funds for school, and out of sheer mercy of a loving God, a miraculous miracle occurred. He lined the stars up for me, after I put in a great deal of work, and the money was there. Enough to pay for my entire freshman year, a blessing I still look at to this day and wonder just how it was done.

From that experience I learned that God truly does make up the difference when we fall short, that He loves me unconditionally and really does want the best for me along with countless other lessons. But, although faith was required, it was more of a 'test-drive' for faith rather than the real deal. Sure, flying to school across the states was a bit scary (especially for a first-time flyer) and there was also the fact that I didn't know anyone in Virginia, but He showed me ahead of time that my biggest worries- those of finances- were taken care of giving me enough courage to take the leap. Immediately upon arrival He put loving people into my life with whom I could rely upon for support and comfort.

I thought that's how faith worked. You put effort in, follow the rules He sets, and He will show you how things will work out for the future to give you peace of mind. But the more I experience the 'real world,' the more common I think it is for us to 'wander in the wilderness' for a while if you will, being expected to have faith when the end goal isn't in clear sight, or in sight at all for that matter. He often blesses us with a reassurance of the knowledge He has given to us from time to time, rather than laying it all out on a map for us with a step by step procedure and users manual.

I used to think that 'line upon line' was a synonym for 'step by step' when it comes to figuring out life. But God didn't send us to this earth to micromanage our lives. According to David A Bednar, the reference of 'line upon line' actually refers to "many small answers [given] over a period of time" rather than a Higher Power holding our hand the entire way through life. The Lord will quietly direct and redirect you in making big decisions through the process of making many smaller choices prior. Sometimes He offers a great deal of help at crucial moments to get us moving, but often tapers off the spoon-feeding in order for us to continually grow. Your faith can only be as strong as your biggest trials.

The past few months I have been so frustrated because scholarships fell through, not enough money has been made, and other ways I thought I could save or earn money for school haven't worked out as well as I'd hoped. It has felt as though God forgot all about the hard work I put into school last year - maintaining decent grades, serving as the freshman class president, working two jobs and serving on two extracurricular committees, not to mention the countless summer days I've spent working while I have watched my friends travel, relax at their own leisure.

But then the thought occurred to me: perhaps I'm the one who has forgotten Him. I knew attending the college I was choosing would be difficult for many reasons, mainly financially. He had assured me so many times in small ways that things would work out, that loans are okay, and that I needed to be there in order to develop, mature and grow both intellectually and spiritually. But despite all of His "many small answers" previously, I worried about the money. My faith wasn't quite as strong as I thought it'd be, and why? Because I couldn't see how things could work out, and wanted the answers upfront to put my mind at ease. Faith, however, is not meant to be a state of comfort. It is designed to test us, stretch us, and open our eyes.

In the middle of my distress, a dear friend of mine wisely helped refocus my perspective on life. He advised the following: "Try jumping ahead ten years and see if you are ok with a monthly bill for student loans because you went to the place you wanted to go, to be with the people you wanted to be with, learning the things you wanted to learn, from the people you wanted to learn from . . . if the experience is worth the price, then do it". How right he is.

I used to think Peter from the Bible was a wimp. I mean, Christ said he was good to go ahead and walk on the water, so what was the hold up? If he couldn't trust Christ, then who could he have trusted better? But so often I am like Peter. When I am asked to 'walk on the water,' my first instinct might be to follow . . . Until logic kicks in. Then my replies might sound something like, "Wait what is it you wanted me to do again? Walk . . . on the water? Which foot should I start with? Is there something to hold onto? Oh hold on, scientifically, it's impossible. Besides, the water is cold, and maybe I am mistaking you for some crazy person out there on the water. Yeah, we'd better come up with a better plan. In fact, why don't you just come to where I am since you know, you're Christ and can do whatever you want anyways".

Interestingly enough, it has been my experience thus far, that I am more humble in my most desperate hour and it is in those times of desperation that I most frequently find myself on my knees begging for any sliver of hope, just one of the many 'lines' rather than the entire answer or solution. Just enough. Oh how much simpler my life would be if I didn't allow pride to get in the way and I could just listen to His quiet promptings as though I truly needed them hour by hour, day by day. Enough to stay afloat, just until tomorrow.

Look for His hand all along the way; the people you brush elbows with, the scripture that stands out to you, the small peace that comes from keeping His commandments and to continually offer up gratitude to the One who so generously blesses us with them. In the loving words of Jeffery R Holland, "Keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever."

In my own words, I think true faith is coming to grips with the fact (and accepting) that you and I aren't the ones in control of our own little universes. Once you can free yourself of the pride and fear of personal failure and imperfectness, you are able to truly hand the reins over to God. For me, it was letting go of monetary value and it's security, understanding that God can truly make up the difference, and trusting that He will. Easy is not a word I would associate with Christ's life. If He is the ultimate exemplar, then maybe it's time to start eliminating 'easy' from my vocabularly too.