This will give you the back story to where I am today. I was diagnosed with anorexia at the young age of thirteen and my family chose a family-based approach. Through home and family support, I weight restored and "recovered", however, as I've learned eating disorders are emotional disorders and unfortunately the emotions went unaddressed at thirteen. Almost nine years later I'm still battling the same demons and disorder but have been fighting for recovery and sought treatment in a way I never had before.

I've always been a very independent young lady. When I was four years old I was very adamant about what I wanted and when. If I wanted someone to play pretend with me I would say "you 'tend be _________" instead of asking "will you play with me?" I grew up in a suburb of Baltimore, Maryland, in a neighborhood filled with other children my age. I had a rich, vibrant childhood and was usually the one in charge of organizing play dates amongst my friends and taking charge in games. Fast forward to the age of ten (two days after my birthday in fact), when my family moved to the rural mountains of North Carolina where our neighborhood had only one other kid, a boy the same age as my younger brother. I went from a plethora of friends to none pretty quickly. There were family troubles at the time and in my attempt to not cause more problems I withdrew into myself, not allowing my voice to be heard. I didn't think my voice was important enough to speak because it could cause more conflict in the family. This withdrawal into my self certainly took a toll as I entered the new school and community in North Carolina. I didn't have the confidence that my voice mattered there either and found it very difficult to allow myself to make lasting connections because I didn't feel like I had much to offer. I spiraled into an area of lost identity, confusion, and desperate attempts to fit in with anyone who would give me attention. Through my years growing up I had a lot of "phases" from tomboy to that weird stage in middle school where I wore purple skinny jeans and yellow converse with rainbow laces, from soccer addict to homecoming court representative. I never knew who I was because I had withdrawn so far and quieted my own voice so much that I felt like a chameleon trying to blend in with the crowd.

All that is a long way of saying my eating disorder was an attempt to give me an identity and to manipulate my body to make myself more attractive. If my voice didn't matter, it only made sense to me that my personality must somehow be flawed and not worth anybody's time. If people thought my personality was boring, the only way to attract people to me was physically. ***DISCLAIMER: I understand now how disordered and self-destructive this thinking trap was but at the time it was all I could do to feel accepted. From thirteen until twenty-one, I used restriction and excessive exercise to manipulate my body to one I was comfortable in, one I felt gave me an identity. I clung to the image of being the "healthy, toned, and fit" girl; ultimately sacrificing everything except the flow of blood in my veins for that identity.