In 1973, the Supreme Court shocked the nation with its ruling on the landmark case of Roe versus Wade. Gone were the days of back alley abortions and coat hangers, as a woman’s right to abortion up to 23-24 weeks was now protected under the Due Process Clause of the 14^th Amendment. Despite this, many states, religious organizations, and old conservative men have tried to regulate and prevent abortions to the best of their abilities. The fight for bodily autonomy versus the preservation of life at all costs has pitted the people of our nation against each other, with no clear and peaceful outcomes in sight.

However, after a few hours of deep and contemplative thinking, I believe I have found a solution that will make everyone happy.

Firstly, there would be no more abortions.

‘WHAT?!’ Some of you make be thinking, ‘How does this make everyone happy? It’s not fair!’ Well allow me to continue. There would be no more abortions except in cases of rape or incest, or if the pregnancy becomes a danger for the mother to continue. That’s it. No more. Done-zo. Pro-lifers happy now? Good, because now it’s time for them to put their money with their mouth is. And oh, there will be money.

So why should you be forced to carry and deliver a child you don’t want or can’t have? Where’s the rub? It starts with changing the way we view unwanted pregnancies. You’re a goddamn hero for having this baby. You’re doing a service to your country! You’re working hard to make something that someone somewhere is willing to pay for. And for all your efforts, you deserve to be rewarded.

Should you find yourself pregnant and not desiring to keep the child for any reasons at all, all you have to do is visit a pregnancy center. But not just any center, the new facilities sponsored and funded by the National Right to Life Committee, the Pro-Life Action League, Americans United for Life, and other such pro-life organizations. As the separation of church and state will have dissolved by the time this is implemented, churches will now be able to and be expected to fund pregnancy centers as well. This money will come from both rich private donors and the government, as we all know that the wealth and generosity of the church and old conservative men is vast and limitless. At these pregnancy centers, you will be provided all your pre-natal care, checkups, tests and diagnostics, and all other related needs at no cost to yourself. Why should you pay for any of it if they’re the ones who want what’s growing inside you? That's right, you shouldn't, and won't!

Not only will all your medical expenses be taken care of, you will receive a monthly stipend for the duration of your pregnancy, courtesy of the government. If they want a healthy baby, they need a healthy mama, and pregnancy is stressful. You’ll have a lot of physical and emotional traumas to overcome, and you deserve to be able to treat yourself to a steak dinner or a spa day or a new TV to alleviate your pain. $2,000 a month isn’t much, but it might be enough to keep you in high spirits for all your hard work.

If the father of the child has cum and gone, worry not, as he isn’t off the hook. He will also owe you a monthly stipend for the duration of your pregnancy. This can be a set amount or proportional to his income (I’ll leave this one to the big wigs in Congress) and he will be criminalized for missing payments. Is the father in jail or out of work? The government has your back, and will pay in his place, and can garnish the man’s wages or collect a ridiculous amount of interest on all that will have to be paid back.

So after 9 grueling months of cankles, morning sickness, and maternity clothes, you’ll give birth in the manner of your choosing, whether it be at home or in the hospital. Once again, all medical expenses will be covered, so just focus on pushing. Once the baby is born and you are left sick and exhausted, you’ll enjoy 4 weeks of paid maternity leave while you recover (hopefully this will be enjoyed by every mother by this time in the future too). There will be no limit to how many times these services are available to you, so if accidents continue to happen, you won’t ever have to worry about needing help.

And that’s it. Some say you can’t put a price on human life but I think $18,000+ is a good place to start. Churches, pro-lifers, and old conservative men are able to save the babies they have dedicated themselves to protecting, and while you lose some bodily autonomy and 9 months of sushi and alcohol, you come away with more money, no medical bills, and the satisfaction of a job well done and a life preserved.

Is it perfect? No, as some women lose the choice they fought so hard to earn in the past. Will it be abused? I’m sure it will, as all good things are, but that’s a risk pro-life organizations and the government are willing to take for the good of the country. Will it cause a collapse of the foster care system? Maybe, but it can't get too much worse. I mean, it’s either that or improve sex education and access to birth control, or stop trying to restrict abortions, or ban abortions and withhold support from struggling women so they are forced to use back alley methods and coat hangers like before 1973 and deal with the high mortality rates…

But this seems much easier.