Spending five years working at one of the world's greatest Water Parks, I found the most idiotic people on the planet. People who not only lack common sense, but also a sense of preservation. These are the most ridiculous things I was ever asked while maintaining a world of water.

1. Can you watch my kids for a minute?

No, Sir/Mam, I will not be held responsible for your child if something were to happen the park could be held liable.

I am a lifeguard, not a babysitter. It is not my job to watch your child while you go off and does whatever it is you are doing. What is so important that you need to leave your child with me? I am sixteen, you do not know me, I could be a serial killer, I could be really mean, I could enjoy torturing children, and you would have no idea. Also, what could you be doing that you can’t take your child with you? Are you going to go jump off the tallest rides with no parachute? Are you planning on robbing the gift shop? Are you even going to come back? This situation is not safe, and I know that my title of Lifeguard makes it seem like I am the type of person who would want to babysit and scan my water, and yell at the kids chicken fighting over there, but I am not that nice.

2. Is that a real Dinosaur? (asked by a childless person older than 20)

No, all of the “dinosaurs” on the ride are robotic.
Do you think you are being funny? Or do you really think that the people at this water park have figured out a way to use dinosaur d.n.a. and create live dinosaurs. We also figured out how to domesticate them so that we don’t have a Jurassic park situation on our hands.

3. Why do you ask, “Can you swim?” at the top of this ride?

Well, at the bottom of the ride there is a six-foot pool that you will swim out of.
I understand that asking someone if they have the capability of swimming at a water park seems dumb, but enough of you have come to this park without the ability to swim, and after I have to jump in and save a number of people we decided it would be good to ask. Trust me I don’t like asking this question just as much as you don’t like getting asked, but it is the way it has to be. I can also see that you are the type of person who will laugh and respond with something just so witty like “Haha no.” and I will gladly send you to the end of the line.

4. Can you just take a sip?

No, I cannot. I am sorry Mam/Sir but we do not allow non-factory sealed containers in the park, so you will need to pour whatever is in this container out. You can get free ice/water at any of the lifeguard stations.
I am also fifteen, so no I am not going to just take a sip of whatever the hell you have in this container. You could have roofied it, there could be kiwis in it, and I’m allergic to kiwis. I know that at fifteen my authority is somewhat compromised but I am just doing my job. I know that most likely you do not have alcohol in this drink. I know that most people are not dumb enough to hide there alcohol in a water bottle. I know that if you were trying to hide it would be frozen in a block of ice at the bottom of your cooler, or hidden in your bathing suit top, or stuffed in an empty tampon wrapper. I also know that if you are hiding alcohol a security guard will most likely tackle your ass on the asphalt later today.

5. What is this? (said while holding a dollar coin)

Mam/Sir, that your refund for bringing back your tube at the end of the day instead of leaving it somewhere, and for that we thank you. It is a dollar coin.
No seriously if you bring that coin behind the dinosaur ride a dwarf in a pink skirt will take you to Narnia. It’s a dollar coin, its say $1 on it. Look at the coin before you ask me question that make no sense. Now while I thank you from bringing back your tube instead of making me go get it, I think that you might need to be educated on what American currency looks like.

6. Can we both go down?

I am sorry, Mam/sir but that would be unsafe.
Okay I know that you saw this ride when you were getting your mat at the bottom of it. You saw the people riding on mat with their bellies facing down and their elbows tucked in. Now how in the world did you think that two people could fit on one mat? Is your partner going to ride on you back and get decapitated by the tube that is only about three feet in diameter? Were you going to hook arms, lay down on your side back to back and hold on the handles with your teeth? I just want to know how you thought that riding this with two people would help.

7. So my child doesn't meet the height requirements. He is still allowed to ride right?

No. It is unsafe.
Sometimes I like to paint height requirements and other rules on signs just to piss people like you off. It fulfills my every need when I have made someone like you angry because they can’t go on a ride. That rule about not being able to wear your shoes on the body slides isn’t there because the rubber on the bottom of your shoes will stick to the plastic slide and cause you to break your leg, it is because I get a rush inconveniencing people. I am sure that your child would be perfectly fine going down this ride. I’m sure that he/she will not fly out of the tube and drown, I just wanted to watch your frustration as you had to explain to your child that he/she can’t go on this ride.

8. Why did you save my child? He/she was fine.

He/she looked like they were struggling so I jumped in just in case.
Oh my god, is your child Aquaman? The king of the Atlatians, because that is the only reason that would explain why your son could have survived for two minutes underwater. I am terribly sorry for making sure that your child’s life was guarded, I know that it is not in my job description, and was a terrible inconvenience to you. I can tell you that your child stopped kicking his legs and screamed for help, which from my training tell me that he was struggling and needed help but now I know that he/she has magical powers and will not help him/her the next time.

9. Will I get wet on this ride?

Yes, you will.
Wait, at a place called Water World I am going to get wet? We need to inform someone of this, we could get sued if people come her not knowing that they will get wet and they get wet. What a revelation. I thought that this was a place where you would just look at water. OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO GET WET. Do you need a dictionary to look up the definition of a water park? I actually do not want o let you on this ride because I am afraid that your tiny brain doesn’t know how to swim. Really I am concerned for your safety, you should probably go home just so you don’t hurt yourself.

10. Why can't I bring this machete in? How else will I cut my watermelon?

I’m sorry Sir/Mam weapons are not allowed in the park. I am going to have to ask you to take it back to your car.
First of all why in the world did you think in your brain that it would be okay to bring a machete to a family park? Oh yes, we allow all kinds of weapons we give them to kids in the kiddie pool and let them pretend to be in the hunger games. And I know that this was an inconvenience to you, so you asked me very politely if I could hold it at my station. When I told you that I could not do that you told me to keep it and walked away. I then had to walk all the way to security with a machete in my hands. I am a fifteen-year-old, and holding a machete is not something I wanted to do today.
So the next time you visit a water park please keep these in mind, so that you won’t be one of these idiots. Also, remember that the employees are just doing their job, and yelling at them, or berating them is not helping anything or anyone.