Drunk adults and toddlers are eerily similar in a number of ways, although babies are not to blame for their low levels of cognitive functioning. Adults love to ogle over the youthful mannerisms of these tiny humans without realizing that they themselves embody the same juvenile characteristics after a night of debauchery. One of the most common similarities between drunks and toddlers is an overall lack of motor skills.
1. Crawling.
They don't call it a bar crawl for nothing. When your friends have to hoist you over your shoulder as you stumble home, it kind of reminds you of how dad would have to carry you inside after a long car ride home. You're pathetic.
2. Walking.
Or waddling rather. It's not as endearing when you're in the middle of a sobriety test, and the next step is jail. Also, it's OK if little Timmy doesn't know where his nose is. You, not so much.
3. Eating.
Not only will you grab anything you can get your hands on, but you'll also spill 90 percent of your food on yourself. When you find it the next day - you'll throw a tantrum. Clearly, the choo choo train tactic didn't translate so well.
4. Sleeping.
Or in the adult world, passing out. Definitely not putting out the vibe when you can't even hold yourself up right. You look like a kindergartener who couldn't hold out until nap time, and it's not uncommon to wake up confused.
5. Talking.
Such a simple task, right? However, It may even be possible to have a more stimulating conversation with a babbling two year old than someone three car bombs deep. All I heard was "Put it on my tab."
6. Throwing up.
Unavoidable. Just blame it on stomach poisoning and move on. Your friends don't have to know you're a lightweight. (They know.)
7. Going potty.
The line for the bathroom always look like a department store during a door buster sale. Too bad you already broke the seal. It's alright, maybe your supervision brought wipes.
8. Getting rowdy.
Toddlers always have an excess of energy, just like you after your beer muscles set in or the DJ spins your favorite track. You become blissfully unaware of how embarrassing you actually look, and you couldn't even explain yourself if you tried.
9. Flirting.
Children are always waving at each other and coordinating games with the crew they just met during freeze tag. Replace the waving with a wink and freeze tag with dirty dancing, and you've got yourself a typical Friday night.
