On August 8, 2014, I lost control. My grandfather, a 69 year old whom I call my dad, began to yell at me for something foolish I had done. I was so frustrated that I just lost it, and started punching him. My mom tried to get in between us, but it continued for at least another 15 seconds. One of the longest 15 seconds of my life, to be quite honest. About two minutes later I was walking down my street in tears with a gym bag full of clothes and a toothbrush waiting for my real mom and step dad to pick me up. Today is Christmas Eve, December 24, 2015. The person I was then is no longer here and he is never coming back.
My teenage years were riddled with substance abuse, disappointment, insecurity, and a general lack of value for my life. Time and time again I disappointed myself. So what changed? Where did finally draw my line in the sand? You guessed it! August 8, 2014.
My real mom, step dad and step brother dropped me off for my first semester of college a couple days later. Aside from mentally torturing myself with guilt, I had done a lot of self-reflection since I had been kicked out. I love my dad, yet I had tried to hurt him. So what went wrong?
What I realized was that I completely lacked self-awareness. I wasn’t aware of what made me happy and what made me angry. (And, just so we are on the same page here, acknowledging you are frustrated, sad, or angry because someone, for instance, talked behind your back is not true self-awareness. Deeper introspection must be considered to know the truth.) So, knowing this, I began to do a little digging. I took a long look at myself in the mirror and came to the conclusion I was not really myself. That self was hidden under the incredible weight of insecurity. I knew I needed to do something, but what? Where did that insecurity come from? I sat down and asked myself some really tough why questions. Finally, the answer came to me. That insecurity came from needing security! And there was a simple solution out of this paradox that I had gotten myself into. I had to do the one thing I had never thought of before: let go.
How did I come to this conclusion? Well, this is where that heavy duty introspection came into play. Because unless you are attached to something, there is no need to let go. I have come to know that attachment is the root of all sufferings. So let me give you an example. I used to have to be around someone all the time. If I wasn’t with them, I felt uncomfortable and a little anxious, to be honest. This was a fear-based block in my noggin. Yet if you can’t stand to be alone with yourself for a while then how can you expect someone else to?
Or, here’s another one, you might be the kind of person who does the same routine day after day after day. Sound familiar? My college students know what I’m talking about! Same food, same people, and same chicken-scratch homework you did the previous night at 1 a.m.. I could go on forever and in any department. So what did you do? The only logical thing to do when you are attached. Detach and let it go.
Now, I know what you are thinking, Easier said than done, Jesse. And I would agree. But, then again, I have drawn my line. My example, about hating to be alone was certainly not easy. But what great things come from easy tasks? (Don’t say eating cake because you know that’s bad for you -- don’t even lie.) I did a lot of purposely spending time alone no matter how uncomfortable I was. I practiced and trained myself to overcome that fear. And, hot damn, if I did not overcome it!
There is a billion other examples I can give you, but you have your own story. It’s just time you made a decision. You will only progress if you had not held down by fear. Want to know what you are afraid of? Well, look to what you are attached to, keep asking why, and, if it does not serve you in a positive manner, let it go.
Want to know a little secret? We are all insecure in one way or another. If you don’t believe me, re-read this article. Don’t be afraid to dig a little deeper. Or you’ll be stuck. And trust me, somewhere in your life, you are stuck, my friend. You read this particular article at this particular time for a reason. I am a firm believer that you can achieve anything and everything in your life if you truly want to. It all depends on where you draw your line in the sand.
