So your "Dragon Age" posse goes into the drug store for some much-needed refreshments and someone picks up a magazine and rifles through them for the horoscope section. Cue the fun.

Hawke

As the main character of the game, the player controls most of Hawke’s movements and decisions. Therefore, Hawke might take on the zodiac sign of the player or something different, but it will be variable for everyone, depending on the decisions the player chooses. In my case, Hawke doesn’t match my sign. There’s no way she’s an Aquarius; she’s way too cool and devious for that. I would call her a Capricorn, which is definitely weird because I’m on the Capricorn-Aquarius cusp… Anyway. “Determination, dominance, persevering, practical, willful.” She’s an incredible badass because let’s be honest here, I’m definitely making her way cooler than I am.

Horoscope: You’re just about to embark on the Deep Roads Expedition. Inside, you will fight things bigger than all of Hightown and you will probably die a lot. It’s okay, though! Since you’re not real, you can try again as many times as you want-- something a lot of us would kill to have! Just don’t mess it up too badly ‘cause we ain’t got a lot of health potions left. Oh, and when you meet Isabella, don’t fall for her. She’s the type to sleep with you and then tell you later that she “doesn’t do emotions.” :(

Anders

Definitely a Libra. Is it because Libra’s sign is a balancing scale and Anders has the literal demon of Justice living inside of him? Who knows! “Libras are all about balance, justice, equanimity and stability.” If you just missed his birthday, he’s probably really sad and sulking about it now. Adorable.

Horoscope: Dude. You have to stop with the whole “I’ll hurt you if you get too close thing.” You definitely flirt with Hawke way too much and you’re crazy if you don’t think I’m hitting every single “heart” response that comes up (no matter who I’m talking to). We’ve heard that line way too much before! Besides, it’s kinda cool when you get all glow-y and demon-voice-y. You will soon be faced with a decision on whether to go on the Deep Roads Expedition with Hawke (sort of; I’ve already decided you’re going, sorry) and your presence will be invaluable because of your healing skills. Don’t leave your friends behind when they need you the most. And try to keep control of that demon inside of you. Don’t let it kill everyone in sight, 'kay?

Merrill

There’s no doubt about it. Merrill is definitely a Pisces.“Also unassuming, the Pisces zodiac signs and meanings deal with acquiring vast amounts of knowledge, but you would never know it. They keep an extremely low profile compared to others in the zodiac. They are honest, unselfish, trustworthy and often have quiet dispositions. … this sign is beautifully gentle, and generous.” She’s the sweetest character in the entire game and the gentle way in which she’s unsure about how to make people like her just makes her all the more adorable.

Horoscope: That magic mirror you’re trying to fix? Be careful, Pisces. There is a reason that people are telling you it might not be a great idea. You have the determination to do anything you put your mind to, but be cautious. Listen to the people around you. Your recent move away from home may be making everything seem lonely. You may be feeling lost. Just look to the friends you’ve made for guidance when you feel you need it. They won’t let you down.

Aveline

The quiet moral compass of any party the player puts together, she’s the fighter you want around. A voice of authority who sometimes exhibits a shy side (and let’s not forget: she needs Hawke’s help to flirt too, the cutie), she’s definitely an Aquarius. Aquarius can be defined as “often simple and unassuming, the Aquarian goes about accomplishing goals in a quiet, often unorthodox ways.” Remember when she hired Hawke to help bring down the Guard Captain? She’s definitely the bearer of water and can bear any burdens your player wants to dump on her. Keep her around and she won’t let you down.

Horoscope: That asshole who keeps picking fights with you? [Ahem, Carver.] KILL HIM. Just kidding. You’re way too nice for that. Not even nice—you fight with a heavy sense of what’s right and wrong. Yet you don’t let that get in the way of the loyalty to your friends. Don’t be afraid to speak up! Sometimes the party can be a little opportunistic, especially since they’re trying to raise money to go into the weird cave place. You may or may not be asked to go, but if you do, make sure to stand your ground. Your voice is always welcomed and valued, even if everyone puts up a fuss at first. Also you’re probably about to get a better sword so just hang in there. (I know, I know. Why do all the mages get the new, cool equipment?)

Varric

“Virgos are excellent teammates in work and social activities. They work well with others, although they freely express their opinions (even when unwarranted).”

Definitely a Virgo, Varric isn’t scared to express his opinion to the entire group loudly, especially when no one is listening. Yet at the same time, he’s one of the most charming characters you’ll come across in the game. He appears for the first time right after his brother has effectively shut your character down and charms you into going on this fantastic adventure. Do you wish you hadn’t listened to him? Never.

Horoscope: You will soon face a hard decision. As part of Hawke’s party into the Deep Roads, you may find that someone you trusted is a conniving little bastard. Ahem. Keep Bianca close and keep your enemies closer.

Carver

If the player pays attention to any of Carver’s comments (though let’s be real, we all try to block them out), it becomes very clear that he’s a Leo. He has probably the easiest time expressing his disdain for a lot of your decisions. Especially if you play a mage. He has lots of comments about mages. However, if you ever happen to accidentally right-click on his character he always makes sure to remind you that he is right behind you."Beneath their dynamic persona lies a generous, loving, sensitive nature that they do not easily share with others. They might be a bit bossy, but those who know them understand this comes from a source need to do good, not (usually) from an inflated ego."

Horoscope: Against your mother's wishes, you've just left on a very important expedition that could end in life or death for you or for those close to you. You are a brave warrior, but don't get too comfortable. Hawke will take care of you the best she can, but hold your own, too, and keep the judgment to a minimum.

Isabella

Let's be honest here. Isabella is THE #1 bae. It only makes her more appealing that she's flighty, only interested in sex at first and says that she can't give you emotions. In that sense, along with others, she's right in line with the Sagittarius: "they make loyal friends and lovers, but they do not handle commitment well as they refuse to be tied down while chasing philosophical pursuits." She'll be loyal to you (except when she runs off with the relic and you think you're never going to see her again. But it's okay. She come back.)

Horoscope: You will soon meet a person who makes you question your lofty throne as unattached and secure. You will want to run away, and the other person will let you because they respect your boundaries and wishes. However, you might later feel a slight urge to come back, and when you feel that, trust your gut. It will not lead you astray.

Fenris

Taurus. Bull. Horns. Need I say more?

Okay, if I must."Stubborn by nature, the Taurus will stand his/her ground to the bitter end (sometimes even irrationally so)." It takes a lot of effort to get Fenris on your good side in this game, at least in my experience. He gets bratty if you're too nice, and I imagine if you're too harsh on him, he'd flip out. I've been moderately successful replying with humor to most of his remarks. I even got him to flirt with me a little bit (though not enough to jeopardize my chances with either Anders or Isabella). He can be a bit of a crybaby sometimes, but he knows when he owes someone his loyalty or a favor and he doesn't flake out on that.

Horoscope: You will soon have to confront something from your past that you thought you'd left behind. In fact, you fought to leave this behind but your journey isn't quite over yet. Call on your friends when you need them, even if you think you can do this alone. They'll be there. (And practice the words "thank you" for when that time comes. It's the nice thing to do.)

So there you have it. The main characters of "Dragon Age 2" (at least the beginning of the game) and my fun game where I pair them with zodiac signs. Feel free to disagree vehemently or nicely (though the latter would be more appreciated), but either way enjoy the fun of it.

Oh, and who thought "Dragon Age 2" sounded better than "Dragon Age: Exodus" ? Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.