God?
Hello?
Can you hear me?
These three phrases sum up the past nine months of my life. I was stuck in an unending state of depression, where I was not only beginning to question who I was as a person but also what vision God had for my life.
We've all experienced that moment when we think we have it all figured out. Then suddenly God's says no. He throws an unexpected curveball at us and alters the plan we had set in stone for quite some time. The time in our life when we find ourselves "down in the dumps" feeling like our phone call to Him is constantly being rejected. We are confused on why God is letting these awful things happen to us. We are confused as to why our prayers feel unanswered. And lastly, we are confused as to why we are going through this alone.
These difficult times in our life are never planned. You never expect to lose your job, end up with cancer, get a divorce or even lose something so simple as a friend.
For me personally, I never expected to go through a breakup that would hurt me so deeply, both mentally and emotionally.
Ever since I was a child, I've always been the energetic type, the girl who is constantly trying to make others laugh. the girl who is always down for an adventure, the girl who never says no to road trips and more importantly, the girl who is always giving others advice.
A few short months ago, I found myself on the opposite end of the spectrum.
Lonely. Depressed. Confused.
And frustrated with God.
I had just lost what I thought was the love of my life, and it felt like God was just sitting there waving at me smiling while I mourned daily. Weeks went by and it seemed like nothing had changed. I kept asking God:
"What have I possibly done to deserve this?"
"Why have you not healed my broken heart?"
And worst of all:
"Why am I going through this alone?"
As weeks passed, I began to distance myself from everyone important in my life—my friends, my family and, little did I know at the time, God. I moved out of my dorm and back in with my parents. I followed the same routine every day: school, work, cheerleading, then home. Each day, I would put on a happy face in public, and then come home completely depressed and mentally frustrated with myself. In my eyes, God took away the most precious thing in my life. Therefore, my happiness was irrelevant to him. He wasn't answering my prayers, which made me feel like He didn't care. Several of my friends would encourage me by saying, "Don't worry. God has a plan." Oh really? I thought. Because I've been praying for months and I'm still sitting in the same sinking ship.
One day after school, everything changed.
I called my mom hysterically bawling my eyes out, begging for her to come home from work and be with me. "I'm so depressed. I do not want to be alone. Please come be with me," I begged. As the absolute precious saint she is, she left work and came home immediately. She prayed with me for what felt like hours. She asked me, "Emily, what exactly have you been praying for?"
Are you crazy? I thought.
For God to bring us back together, of course!
She looked up at me and smiled. It was the kind of smile your mother gives you when she's about to tell you something you don't want to hear. Oh Lord, I thought. Here she goes about to preach me a sermon. She simply looked at me and stated, "Honey, you can't tell God what you want. You must ask Him what he wants for you, and pray that His will be done." It was one of those times where you know your mom is right but don't want to give her the benefit of the doubt.
As the day continued, I prayed...and prayed...and prayed.
But this time was different. This time, I got down on my knees (literally) and cried out to my Savior. I prayed that He would heal my broken heart and let His will for my life be done. I prayed that I would find peace and understanding through this difficult time in my life and that He would guide me back to my days of joy, back to my days of laughter and, most of all, back to myself. The kind-hearted individual who always looked at the positives in life and knew that God had a plan for everything; the good, the bad, the ups, the downs. I knew He knew what He was doing.
The next day, I woke up and followed my normal routine. I got ready for school and began to head out the door when I saw the most amazing thing I had ever laid my eyes on.
A dove sat outside on my window sill.
Most people would think, a dove? Okay, what's the big deal?
But in that moment, I knew exactly what God was doing and just looked up to the sky smiling.
My grandmother, who was the most influential person in my life, loved doves. In fact, she loved them so much my sister and I released them at her grave when she passed away. The moment I saw the dove on my window sill, my body was overwhelmed with peace. I began sobbing tears of joy.
After months of feeling alone, unwanted and unappreciated, God had sent my guardian angel to send me back "home." Many people would look at this as a coincidence, however, I knew exactly what He was doing. This was God's way of reminding me that I am never alone. In that moment, I knew that not only is He always with me, but He is also my guardian angel.
The saying "God works in mysterious ways" is 100 percent true!
If there is one constant thing I have learned during my time spent on earth, it is that others cannot control your happiness—not your friends, your family or materialistic objects. You control your own happiness through Christ. Whether it's a breakup like mine, a divorce, the death of a family member or even the loss of a friend, remember who to put your trust in. We are sinners and will be disappointed every day, but God will never stop. He will never stop loving you. He will never give up on you. He will never betray you!
If there is ever a time when you feel like you can't go on and the obstacles of life have taken over your happiness, seek Him and wait for your own doves to guide you back home.
"Oh, for wings like a dove, to fly away and rest! But I will call upon the Lord, And He will hear and answer." —Psalm 55:6, 16-17, ERV
