So, as primary season winds down and we start to get a pretty clear picture of who our presidential nominees will be, many Americans feel confused, disenfranchised, even angry. Is this the best our system can churn out? A cross between the Annoying Orange and an Oompa Loompa on the one hand, and Cersei Lannister in a pants suit on the other?
Well, fear not, dear readers, for I have the perfect candidate for our troubled times. I understand third-party and write-in candidates have never done well in American election cycles, but I think I've found an exception. I have found a man with the perfect mix of pragmatism, vision, and that inimitable cowboy swagger that we collectively hold as distinctively American attributes.
That man-- is Doug Dimmadome.
I know, I know, I'm getting my hopes up. Would so great a man stoop to such a plebian position?
Maybe I am getting my hopes up. But mark my words, dear readers, Doug Dimmadome is certainly not only the hero we deserve, but he's the hero we need. Allow me to give a few reasons why:
1) DimmaDairy!
Hey kids! Know anything about Margaret Thatcher? Neither do I! In this country, conservatives love her, liberals revile her, but all the Brits seem to do is complain about her taking away their free milk. With all this fuss about such a seemingly trivial matter, it must be important that every citizen of a free and stable society get a healthy amount of Vitamin C. Well, fear not! If Doug Dimmadome becomes president, I can assure you that every child in America will be given their daily dose of DimmaDairy, courtesy of Dimmadome Acres! (side effects may include mass mind control)
2) DimmaDuds!
Getting frustrated with how mundane the Presidential outfit has been getting? So am I! Gone are the days when Presidents displayed any true sense of style, such as Lincoln's legendary beard, or Teddy Roosevelt's trademark mustache and monocle combination. Despair no more, dear readers! Doug Dimmadome's brilliant white suit, mustachioed grin, and twenty-gallon hat will bring that much needed style and pizzazz back to the White House. And with an outfit so original, it's sure to intimidate leaders such as Vladimir Putin or Kim Jong Un on sight.
3) DimmaDebates!
In 2011, the Boston Globe wrote an article entitled "The Incredible Shrinking Sound Bite". In it, they observed that, due to America's shrinking attention span, the average campaign sound bite has fallen from 43 seconds in 1968 to less than eight seconds today. With such little time for politicians to say anything of substance, one would think that no one can keep up in today's political climate. Enter Doug Dimmadome. The rootinest tootinest fast talkin' hip-shootin' rhetoritician in America today. Why, within ten seconds that man could introduce himself as Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome, the Dimmadelphia Cable, Dimmsdale Flats, and Chicken Dippin' Dimmadome! He can whirlwind through any debate in no time!
4) Dimmanomics!
A debate is raging in America. Whose economic vision will best suit this country? Will it be the democratic socialism of Bernie Sanders, or the laissez-fair economics of Ronald Reagan? May I humbly suggest that either system pales in comparison to a third: Dimmanomics. Who needs free college when you can simply implement massive building projects? No need for trickle-down economics when you can create instant employment opportunities. A Dimmadome for every major city! And what is the purpose of these magnificent structures? I'm glad you asked!
5) DimmaDeathMatches!
You didn't really think they were for Crash Nebula on Ice, did you? I know, I know, I may sound crazy, but dueling actually has quite a respected tradition in the country. In fact, one of our great Founding Fathers, Alexander Hamilton, died in a duel with his rival, Aaron Burr.
"But Shant," you may protest. "Surely our country has moved past such pointless barbarism. Why resurrect such a Byzantine tradition?"
To that, I would answer: Have we really moved past such barbarism? Have you been watching the 2016 presidential race? Have you seen the ridiculous protests at colleges such as UMass and Mizzou? What about the obscene number of lawsuits filed every year in this country? We've simply sublimated our natural desires for honor and blood-justice into, quite frankly, more hideous practices than dueling.
That's why I advocate DimmaDueling. It's quick, simple, and gets the job done. Why slap your enemies with subpoenas when you can just take care of them John Wayne style? And what better venue to hold such contests than the brand new Dimmadomes that will be built in every major US city?
And so, my fellow Americans, I believe I've made my case. There is only one man who can bring our country together in these politically polarizing times, one man who can lead us into a new age of prosperity, one man who can save us from the mess we put ourselves into.
Don't be a DimmaDummy, vote Dimmadome 2016.
