As we transition into the hot, heart-of-the-summer days of July and August, many humans of all shapes, sizes, and shades of sun-tanned skin will flock to their local body of water. Moms will fling down their towels and roast for a week, while dads will crank up the grill and roast for a week. Kids will try their hardest to get on their parents’ nerves, and parents will get their revenge by forcing their kids to go tubing.
You see, nothing says summer fun quite like being dragged along in an inflatable donut of misery (or joy, if you’re not a wimp like me). This past weekend, I watched my five-year-old nephew endure his first tubing escapade. He gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes and did his best to not look like a lady, even while Aerosmith screamed “Dude Looks Like a Lady” over the radio. As I watched his face transform from sheer terror to fervent glee, I was filled with the nostalgia of my first tubing experience. Whether you are five or 20 or too old for this crap, here are nine stages you might experience the first time you go tubing
1. Getting on the tube
Yes, your life vest might be squeezing the life out of you, but slight suffocation is the key to not drowning. Trying to propel your body out of the water and on to the tube while stuck in a straightjacket of buoyancy is not as easy as it doesn't sound. It could take a few tries, but once you kick and claw your way to the handholds, you breathe a sigh of relief and think to yourself, “OK, this isn't that bad.” If you hear a mysterious voice from laughing at you from deep beneath the water, don’t worry, that’s probably just your imagination.
2. The Tug of No Return
The tug of no return is what I call that first yank when the rope connecting tube and boat becomes taut. If it doesn't dislocate any of the bones in your arms, then congratulations, the worst is yet to come. Also: whiplash? You mean free chiropractors appointment.
3. Water, water everywhere and all the drops to drink
As the boat begins to pick up speed, you will notice one thing. That thing is water. You will notice the water because it is everywhere. Obviously there is water under the tube and under the boat and floating in a vapor form in the atmosphere, but there are also large drops of water that will attack all of your exposed face flesh with the fury of a thousand angry boyband fans.
Pro tip: If it’s on your face and you can close it, do so.
4. Absolute Panic
This is when you start to think “Is the crest of that wave getting closer? Actually, you know what, I can’t tell because half of the Pacific Ocean is flooding my eyeballs.” Once the din of the waves and the water in your face floods your senses, your overwhelmed brain will compensate by repeating one word or phrase over and over and over. Some will simply mutter multiple "No's" through gritted teeth, some will have a much more colorful vocabulary, and still others will attempt to out-scream the motor.
5. Slightly less panic/slightly more enjoyment
Once you have survived the trials of the waves, and maybe even a few airborne moments, your panic will begin to diminish. You might actually begin to smile and enjoy yourself. This sensation will be short-lived. Savor it while it lasts
6. Falling off the first time
Falling off the first time really isn't that bad. Whoever is driving is probably taking it easy since it's your first time. You get determined and think, "All right, I can do this. I will stay on longer."
7. “Falling” off the second time
Whoever is driving the boat now knows that you are not a novice and will not take it easy. Now the tube is a level ten mechanical bull and you are a level zero infant. This time when you get thrown off, it. will. hurt. You may not be an instant tubing expert, but you are a professional impromptu body surfer. You might change your mind and think, “I will not stay on longer.” When you wake up tomorrow and wonder where all the bruises came from, this is the answer.
8. My arms don't function
Tubing will tire out your arms. Seriously. Once you are done, they will either dangle uselessly at your sides for the remainder of the day, or they will cramp up into "tubing position" and you will have to walk around looking (and functioning) like a T-Rex.
9. Post-tubing sleep
This is the rewarding (?) part. Post-tubing sleep is some of the best sleep you will get in your life. You will be tired. Your arms will be jelly. You might have a concussion and multiple broken bones and a few pints of water in your lungs. At this point, nothing feels as good as having sturdy mattress beneath you to soothe your aching everything.
10. I think I want to go tubing again
Days, weeks, or years after your first tubing experience, you might be presented with the option to go again. You will reflect back on the moments of water-soaked horror and realize that they miiight not have been as terrible as you remembered. You'll hop back on and think, "Hey, this isn't so bad." But if you hear a mysterious voice from laughing at you from deep beneath the water, don’t worry, that’s probably just your imagination.
