You can hold your dreams of an engagement ring, white picket fences and three cute little kids all giving their best Instagram family pose. I might want that in ten years, but now, I'll smile and say, "no, thanks".
Is that so wrong? Because I feel like it is.
I won't lie, this idea (or lack thereof, I guess) makes me feel like I am deemed as one of those mean, crazy, lonely, potential cat ladies. Sometimes I think it makes me look heartless. Other times, I fear it makes me look undesirable. But hear me out. I hope you understand. I hope you know that none of this is true.
I just can't fathom it right now. Not even in five years.
Turns out, there is something I fear more than anything else. Or, maybe it's two.
Number one: not to be too dramatic, but sometimes I find myself lying awake at night, afraid that my life will turn out completely mediocre, and I'm not okay with that. I know it seems as if I should. I mean, this is the type of life that is constantly taught within the walls of school and everyday life.It's safe and cozy. Nothing is wrong with it. I know the idea of an ordinary life shouldn't terrify me, but it does.
Two: I am afraid of stopping and creating a real, solid life that I come home to everyday. I am afraid of settling down. I am afraid of it all. If I do, does that mean I have already given up on chasing my dream? Does it mean that I settled?
Surely it doesn't mean any of this. It has to be my mind playing games.
All the girls with those rings, new homes, and cute little kids seem happy. In fact, they all seem happier than I could even imagine. And, honestly, that's great for them. I wish them nothing but the best.
But that isn't for me.
I don't want it...yet.
I have dreams of becoming the mother that my children can look up to. I want them to see the results of hard work and dedication. I want to be able to tell them stories of things I have done- both the cool and the ones that make me want to hide.
(No lie, I want to be the boss mom that wears heels like a goddess. But, I guess, I need to learn how to walk in them first.)
So through all of the engagement rings, gender revels and wedding dresses that flood my social media feed, I have to stop and smile. Though it makes me feel behind, I know I'm just on time. I know what I want and who I want to be. But in order to become this person, I need time to work on my life.
Is that so wrong?