As a young woman, my entire life I’ve been led to believe that I should be working toward the ultimate goal for a woman: motherhood. Everyone in my life seems to think it’s a given that someday, I’ll be a mother. It’s assumed. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard the phrase, “One day when you have kids you’ll understand.” Except I don’t want kids.
Ever since I was old enough to truly understand what being a parent entailed, I haven’t wanted kids. Even when I was a tiny little girl playing with my baby dolls and imagining a family one day, I never imagined kids in any capacity further than naming them, sharing stories, and thinking of what they could do for me. And even then, I never imagined them younger than age ten. And that’s not what being a parent is about. It became clear to me that motherhood was not for me.
But no one else in my life saw it that way. In their minds, I was just acting silly; they didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want this someday. Even when I insisted that I didn’t want kids, they’d just brush me off and say, “Well, of course, you don’t want kids now. But when you’re a bit older, you will.”
No, I won’t. I don’t want them now, and I don’t want them ever.
Despite the fact that every woman is expected to be a mother, not everyone is built to be a mother, and people shouldn’t be expected to take on a role they’re uncomfortable with, especially one that you can’t put back. This isn’t something to be taken lightly, and the fact that every woman is pressured to do it is ridiculous.
Once you decide to have a child, you can’t undo it. You can’t change your mind. You have to want it. Really want it. And if you don’t, or you’re not sure, then don’t do it. It’s not fair to the child.
Not everyone’s reasons are the same, but I have mine. And it’s not just one thing, it’s everything. First of all, pregnancy and birth sound like the worst thing I could ever possibly put my body through. Every single part of it sounds incredibly unpleasant. And what do I get out of it at the end? A baby? No thank you. Having a child is also a huge monetary commitment. A child requires a constant flow of substantial financial resources, and thinking about that in this day and age makes me dizzy. Not to mention the time commitment that you make when having a child.
Once you have that child, you won’t get a moment to yourself for the next eighteen years. And honestly, the thought of that is almost enough to throw me into a panic attack. I’m introverted and I thrive on time to myself. With a child, not only would I have to throw away my alone time, but also anything I’d ever planned on doing for myself. It’s gone.
And that doesn’t sound like something I’d want to do.
Additionally, I’m not a good teacher. As a parent, you’re responsible for teaching your child everything they need to know for the first few years of your life, and I know I would not do an adequate job. Frankly, I know I wouldn’t do an adequate job at any part of parenting. I can barely take care of myself, how do you expect me to take care of a child? I’m not a good teacher, I’m not a good caregiver. I simply do not have a mothering instinct. You know, that feeling all women supposedly have where they want to coddle and care for a baby or small child? I don’t have it. My instinct when I see a baby is to get away.
I know myself. I know that I would be a terrible mother. A child deserves better than what I would be willing to or able to give them. And I’m not saying this in a “woe is me, feel sorry for me” kind of way. It’s just a fact. I would want to be able to teach them correctly, raise them healthily, treat them right, and not give them any mental grief. And I know I can’t do that. I wouldn’t want to raise kids who grow up saying “I have horrible parents.” Nobody deserves that.
And finally, we have the biggest reason: I just don’t like kids. I really don’t want to sound like a horrible person or anything, but I just don’t like them. I don’t really want to be around them more than I have to, and I really don’t know how to act around kids or interact with them. What do I say to them? How do I entertain them? Nothing good ever comes out of me plus children.
I want to live my life for me. There are so many things I want to do in my life that are my own goals for myself. I want to travel, have a career, and do the things I’ve put on my bucket list. The world is filled with possibilities, and none of them include children, for me. I don’t need children to feel fulfilled.
In fact, I’m pretty sure a child would drain me rather than fulfill me. The entire process sounds exhausting and stressful, and that’s not good for anybody involved.
Maybe all of this means I’m incredibly selfish. Perhaps so, but I don’t care.
And then comes the counter-argument I hear most often: “But I want grandchildren!” To which I say to you simply: I do not lead my life to give you grandchildren. You already had your chance at children, and you popped out three of us. You seem happier now that we’re older and starting to leave the house, so the idea that you’d want more small children running around seems silly to me.
Regardless, it’s my body, my life, and my decision. Whether or not you want grandchildren has no bearing on my decision. So I’m sorry your oldest child had to go off and disappoint you. You’ve got two more children to hang your hopes on, but keep in mind they can make their own decisions, too. Please don’t pressure any of us to make huge life decisions for your benefit.
Women, myself included, are led to believe that nothing else matters, and that this is the ultimate goal, and that not having kids means your life is a failure. But I believe that this isn’t true, and as a woman, your life can be lived in countless different ways, and not all of them involve children.
Yes, I absolutely plan on finding love and getting married one day, but children aren’t part of the picture. I don’t want children, and I don’t want the lack of them or the lack of desire for them to define me. So please, stop asking me about it. It’s not happening. My life means more than that.
