When we care about someone, whether it be family, friends, or the person that we`re in a romantic relationship with, we want to give them everything that they deserve and maybe even a little bit more. When we love someone, we want to give them as much of us and our time as we can. While that sentiment is great, and shows that you`ve got a lot of passion and love to give, there is a difference between what your sentiment is, and the actions you take to show that sentiment.

We`re all only human. We only have so many hours in a day and so much energy to give. We have work and school and family and friends and relationships and then we also have to have time and energy to take care of ourselves (time to eat, shower, sleep, etc.). We tend to put ourselves on the backburner so that we can give more to the people that we care about. Which, in moderation, can be sweet and sometimes circumstances arise in which you`re, in one way or another, forced to put yourself second to something. It happens, and that`s okay, because you do that for the people that you care about. But you can`t live your whole life like that, and you can`t let people make you think you`re supposed to live your whole life like that. Constantly putting yourself second to someone or something else isn`t healthy. Sometimes you have to be selfish and make yourself your own first priority. And there`s nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, it`s necessary.

Life is busy. Even with no extreme circumstances, humans are busy creatures just trying to juggle basic life stuff. So it would be ridiculous for the people who care about you to expect you to always have time to dedicate to them and just them. You won`t always be available all day to text, and there will be nights when even if you`re not “busy” you just want to be by yourself and not with anyone else, even your best friend or the person you`re dating. That doesn`t make you a bad person, and it doesn`t mean that you don`t care about them. It means that you`re human and you need time to do your own thing and take care of yourself. You can care for someone while being separate from them and living your own life. Because making sure that you`re okay, is a great way to help the people that care about you. The whole, “Put your own mask on before attempting to put the masks on the people around you,” thing that they tell you on airplanes? That`s actually a metaphor for life.

You don`t owe anyone 100% of you all the time. You don`t always need to be showering someone if affection and attention to prove that you care. Taking space to live your own life and giving them space to live theirs is an act of caring in and of itself, because just like you`re busy, they are too. The same way you need time to do your own thing, they need time to do their own thing. No one requires all of your attention every second of the day, but you also need to keep in mind that you can`t make others feeling like you require all of their attention either, because that`s not fair. You can`t expect things of others that you can`t expect of yourself.

You will have relationships, whether they are romantic or platonic, with people who will try to take more of you and your attention than you can feasibly give while still keeping your sanity. It`s your job to let them know that it`s not fair of them to ask that much of you. That doesn`t make you a bad person and it doesn`t mean that you don`t care about them—it just means that they require more of you than you can give them at the moment. Relationships are supposed to help build you up, not drain you and break you down. So if you find yourself in this situation with someone, you need to address it. It`s not easy or fun but you just need to suck it up and do it.

Alternatively, if you`re on the recipient end of that conversation, it`s important that you listen and take note of it. We don`t always realize how much we are asking of someone in terms of their time and attention, especially if we are able to give more of ourselves without it being a problem. If someone is telling you that they need space to be their own person, or that they don`t have the emotional energy to keep up with the attention that you give or the attention that you need, it doesn`t always mean that they don`t care about you at all, it just means that they have less gas in the tank than you do. While it can be an awkward situation to try and navigate, it`s important that you and whoever the other person is, whether it be a friend, family member, or a significant other, talk and work things out. Because relationships should be healthy for everyone involved. They don`t owe you 100% of themselves the same way that you don`t owe them 100% of yourself.

No one should expect that you will be able to give all of your time and energy to them. It`s not a fair or realistic expectation. Just as importantly though, you can`t expect that of other people. No one can give 100% of themselves to one thing, because we all need a percentage of ourselves to keep that way we stay sane. Never put up with someone making you feel like you need to give them every bit of you, because you deserve better than that. You deserve to be surrounded by people who give you the ability to be your best self, and that requires not being beholden to someone else every second of the day. Don`t settle for people who try to take 100% of you, because you work hard on yourself and no one should make you feel like that the result of that hard work belongs to them.