I keep telling myself I’m going to move on. I keep telling myself I’m going to stop texting you and trying to let you know what’s going on in my life so that you’ll tell me you’re proud of me and that you love me. I keep saying I’m going to move on and I’m going to shut you out for good this time. But I’ve never done it. I’ve been all bark and no bite. I’ve been standing at the edge of the cliff, ready and willing to take the leap, but I’ve been so afraid of the fall that I haven’t taken the first step.
Today is the day.
Today is the day that I jump.
Today is the day that I stop sending those texts and today is the day that I stop worrying if what I’m doing is making you happy.
I don’t need you anymore.
This life is not about two people. This life is not about me bending over backward for other people, especially for someone that doesn’t even think about ever bending over backward for me.
This life is about me. This life is about me figuring out who I am and what I want, and how I can make myself happy.
I don’t need you to do that for me anymore. I don’t need you to give me your stamp of approval before I can be proud of myself. Once I did, but not anymore.
I used to worry about you. I used to make myself sick worrying about you and what you thought of me and if you were angry at me when I did something wrong.
But I’m not perfect, and I know now that I’m not going to be perfect. I am a weak, flawed and fearful being. I need to focus on me, and not on what you think of me.
When I’m asked what my biggest weakness is, I usually say that I care too much about people. I do. I care too much about what you think. I care about how I look to other people and worry that they might be thinking about me or spreading rumors about me almost constantly. It sounds like paranoia, I know, and maybe I am a little paranoid.
Not “am,” was. I was a little paranoid. But not anymore.
I have to stop. I have to put myself first. I can never love myself if I’m always worrying about how much love someone else has for me.
I’m not even sure it was love. I’m not sure that what you felt for me was even a little bit of what I felt for you. I’d like to think you did. I’d like to think that you once thought of me the same way I have always thought of you but I don’t think so. I’m not sure I was anything to you.
I was nothing.
Well, I’m not nothing. I am someone.
And I’m going to continue to be someone. I am going to be someone who loves myself for just being myself and I’m going to be someone who doesn’t need to worry about anyone else. I don’t need your approval anymore.
I don’t need you anymore.
