I do not really get homesick, and I am okay with that. The thought of going home makes me a tad anxious and upset. Before you rush to conclusions that I'm a horrible monster who hates my family, let me explain myself.

Yes, I do miss my family. I miss them a lot and I love when I get to see them. But when I go home, they are all I see. I don't have a huge group of high school friends anxiously awaiting my return back home so we can all catch up and hang out every night just like the "good old days". I will see one or two close friends but the rest of my time at home is spent alone in my room. Because of that, my hometown is a sad place. It reminds me of being alone every weekend with nobody to hang out with as opposed to friends to hang out with at school. I become bitter, jaded, and angry again. I get mad at myself for being like that. Even worse, unlike at school at home I cannot channel that boredom into productive energy. Nothing gets done, not even practicing. I don't even have a job to break up the monotony. I just laze around all day and do nothing, but in the bad way.

When I go home, I am happy for a few days then I want to go back to school. I miss my routine, my friends, and all the parts of my life. I feel disconnected and out of the swing of things, and that throws me off. I crave the established parts of my day to day life. I even miss the Tinder scene at school since the one at home is usually quite lackluster. I miss the sense of normalcy.

Sure, when break approaches I am excited to go home. It is nice to snuggle with my dogs, spread out in my big bed, and take a shower and not have to wear flip flops. But that and my family are really all that I have to look forward to. Being back there makes me sad and lonely.

I really wish I could look back on my hometown with fond memories. It really stinks not wanting to go back home since it makes me sad. It hurts to hear friends talk about wanting to go home and not being able to share that same feeling. It is also hard since I feel cruel and bitter for not wanting to go home. It looks like I hate my family. I look and sound like a terrible person, and that's not what I want to. I wish I could be someone who wants to go home and gets happy to be back in their hometown. But I just simply am not. Being home makes me lazy, sad and anxious and I do not like being any of those things. I want to be productive and happy. I want to be my best self, and being at home does not allow me to be my best self.