They say college is supposed to be the place where you find out who you are, but so far I've completely lost myself. I've made decisions that less than a year ago I would have never even thought twice about. I have always said that I don't regret any decisions I have ever made because each one has taught me an incredible lesson, but in these past few months, I have started to regret who I have become and the decisions I have made.

I always used to tell myself that I was an independent person and that I wouldn't make my decisions based on other people; I would do things for myself. I feel like that all changed when I got to college; I desperately tried to make whatever friends I could and completely disregarded the person who I truly was. I became a follower, doing whatever everyone else wanted to do. A people pleaser, I never said no. I started to let people walk all over me at home, at school, and pretty much everywhere. I stopped doing the things I loved because no one else did them or it was "not cool."

I stopped listening to my favorite music, started to go with what everyone else was doing, and began to stop being myself. I first noticed this when I came home for winter break and started to be around my friends and family. I noticed things got out of hand and that I had made horrible decisions my first semester and actually lost really good friends because of it. I noticed I acted differently around my friends because I was so used putting up my shield. I noticed that I was sheltering myself and that I wasn't making the same jokes as I used to, filtering the words I said, and just acted completely out of balance. I noticed it again when I started drinking too much and going out more than I wanted because I was so afraid I was going to miss out on everything. My friends like to call it FOMO (fear of missing out.) I started to notice it when my boyfriend started telling me and questioning why I started doing things. I really noticed it at a concert I went to with my sister and sister-in-law. A performer I hadn't listened to in months started their set, and I looked around me and forgot what it was like to listen to my favorite music and just get lost in it. It was truly an eye-opening experience.

What I've really noticed now, however, is how bad my anxiety and depression has become since college has started. Not just anxiety over normal things, but now random panic attacks and breakdowns are so irrational that I can not even explain. Realizing now, I think it has gotten so bad because I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore. I don't have my true identity; I wasn't being myself. I think my body knew something was wrong before I could even figure it out. Today, and this article, was my chance to get back on track and focus on getting back into my "groove" so to say. To anyone else out there who has changed and doesn't like it, try doing that one thing that made you so happy and passionate, and you'll find your way. As for me, I'm going to work on it.