Goodbyes are never easy. Writing this article is the last thing I do before leaving my beloved little college town. There is no one here. The streets, once buzzing with students— life—just a mere few days before, are empty, deserted. I half expect to see a tumble weed blow across my path— just kidding.

I feel off. This is the typical feeling I get before leaving for the summer in college. But this time there is something different. A routine life with routine faces suddenly comes to a screeching halt. The buildings, the structures, the people— everything that twenty-four hours ago felt so familiar— is suddenly so forgien.

Yesterday, I graduated. Part of me didn’t understand. From all the partying and celebrating one day to distressing silence the next. Over. Done. It all happened so fast. I didn’t feel like a graduate. If I am being honest, I still feel like fifteen. How did I just graduate? This time when I leave, I am not coming back. It is a concept that no matter how many times I go over it with myself, my mind is incapable of wrapping itself around it.

This was the first time in my life that I did not what was going to happen next. Fear, anxiety, uncertainty stifle any beauty in my surroundings. To paint a better picture, the inner-workings of my mind go a little something like this..

Or, for the more sciencey reader, in the form of a function:

future(x) = ?

I have come to dread the question mark. Enemies on a good day. I never was able to see past this stupid thing and I could never figure out why. I racked my brain for reasons so often that at one point I convinced myself that it was because I was destined to get hit by a bus Regina George style (I’m not kidding). But alas, I made it. I have lived to tell the tale. Diploma and all.

The great Chinese military leader and strategist Sun Tzu (you know him) helped me wage my war. By his hand, I devised my plan of attack, well equipped for battle. It goes like this: the opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself. We have all heard keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Thus, I must know my enemy to defeat him—and to know my enemy, I must become my enemy. So that’s exactly what I did.

And just like that my war was over. His troops retreated back behind enemies lines. The fighting ceased and his surrender was accented with a little white flag. All because I understood.

So for those who are still fighting a battle of your own, let me help you to understand. There is beauty in chaos— you just have to let me show you.

"Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose” - Eckhart Tolle

Every time we use the present to stress about the future, we’re choosing to sacrifice joy today to mourn joy we might not have tomorrow. Are we protecting ourselves from pain by worrying about the future? No. Instead we are creating more of it. Perhaps the answer is to challenge the inherent instinct of fear. The most fulfilling parts of our life often happen by complete surprise. The unknown may cause some heartache, but it is typically accompanied by adventure and excitement. For all the times that I have felt disappointed, there has been another moment where I have felt a sense of wonder. Those are the moments we live for— when all of a sudden we see the world through new eyes in ways we would have never expected. Uncertainty is the cost of that deeply satisfying, exhilarating, sense of awe.

On the flip side of worry, there is trust. We may not always be able to trust in specifics but we can forever trust in ourselves.

You’re right Natasha Beiningfield— today is where my book beginnings. It’s unwritten and I’ve never been more excited.

So as I leave Charlottesville, Virginia today, I know the road out of town is sending me off onto my next adventure—where I know something incredible waits for me just around the corner.

“Thank god I found the GOOD in goodbye.” Beyonce Knowles