What’s your major? What do you plan on doing with your major? Why are you studying that?
It seems that these questions have been permanently engrained in my mind by both myself and others. Although I have zero acting experience, I like to think I put on a pretty good performance when delivering my answers.
This is because my answers have become lines from a script. I have repeated them so many times that thinking before I speak isn't necessary, any moment a question arises, I'm ready to deliver. As I answer, it’s almost as if I’m watching myself speak the words. I notice the lack of passion, and sometimes exhaustion, in my voice. But the words do not stop, because I feel the need to give an answer. If my answer isn’t adequate, then I’d be forced to recognize that I needed a rewrite. I also wouldn’t hear the reply that I seem to get.
“Wow, you have it all together.”
I smile and laugh it off, explaining that no, I absolutely do not. But this part leaves my audience unconvinced.
If only they knew the hours I spent awake at night picturing myself in thousands of versions of my future. I resort back to my rehearsed lines because that’s where I’m most comfortable, and it seems that I’ve convinced myself that the more I say them, the more likely that my self-created future will come into fruition.
No, I don’t have it all together. In fact, sometimes it seems like I have nothing together. And although it’s painful to admit, it’s okay.
I’d like to be able to perfectly envision the road map of my life, it would make it so much easier to take the next step. However, if everything was as perfectly planned as I made it seem, well, that would be rather boring.
If you could predict every scene of a movie, would you still want to watch it? I realized I needed to apply that to my life. The chaos of not having your life together, although stressful at times, also leaves a large space for the unpredicted, the unimaginable, and the unexplainable.
No, I don’t have it all together. I put on a good performance, but I’m ready for some improvisation.
