In middle school, a teacher told us to never change ourselves for others – especially if it was because we had a crush on someone. She warned us it would only lead to heartbreak. Of course, not a single 12-year-old listened because we were all hungry for approval. If only we knew better.
Changing yourself for someone else takes away a piece of who you are, a piece you will never get back. Altering who you are – giving up your hobbies, pretending to enjoy what you don’t, taking on harmful behaviors – to appear as the person you think someone else wants in their life will never satisfy you. If they don’t validate your changes, you will feel lost and broken. The moment they do give you a drop of attention, you will become addicted.
You start listening to punk rock, even though you despise it, in hopes that he’ll compliment your music taste. You quit writing stories because she thinks it’s a waste of time, hoping she’ll approve. You pick up the bad habits of the group you want to hang out with because maybe if you can drink and gossip with them, they’ll accept you.
And they do. They laugh with you, confide in you and open up to you. And you thrive on their attention, their validation of your existence. When they’re not around, though, you crave it. You become dependent on their words, their laughter, their presence. They have become your morning cup of coffee, and you’re a full-out caffeine addict. Without a mug of validation, you’re a mess. You snarl and growl at anyone who dares come near you. You slump through the day, dragging your feet and hiding your face in the curl of your shoulders. But then you get a text, a Facebook like, a wave in passing. You’re cured! You’re better!
Then the cycle repeats.
Do not get addicted to someone’s praise. You are not a parking ticket; you do not need validation.
Do not change for another person, but do allow yourself to be changed by another person.
Here’s the difference: changing for someone is an intentional act on your part to please another person and appear to be who you think they want you to be. Being changed by someone is a process of growth that comes from allowing them to speak into your life and challenge you.
No matter how much you change for someone else, there will never be the satisfaction you are craving. Friendships should be of mutual growth, not one person living to please another. They won’t be around for your whole life, so why base your existence on their approval? Live your best life instead. Build healthy relationships with people who accept you, but are willing to challenge you to be better. Listen to those wiser than you. Be open to adventure and advice. Try new things and be transformed. But never get hooked on the sweet taste of overly-sugary compliment coffee.
