I hear it every day, sometimes multiple times a day: “Are you okay?”
Usually, this dreaded question comes from a concerned friend, family member, or my mother. Regardless of who it comes from, though, it never fails to get on my nerves.
I understand why people feel the need to ask it. As someone who has, at times, not been “okay,” I can see why those close to me might get concerned from time to time, enough so that they feel the need to ask.
The problem I have with this question is not with the question itself, but rather the timing with which people choose to ask it. If I try to call a friend in the middle of the night while I’m having a panic attack, she will inevitably ask if I’m okay. If I text a friend when I’m struggling with a personal problem and need someone to talk to, the first question I get asked is whether or not I’m okay. If I’m acting strange at home and shutting myself up in my bedroom for some peace and quiet for a few minutes so I can calm myself down, my mother always asks if I’m okay.
I appreciate the concern, I really do. But the problem is, people always tend to ask that question when I’m blatantly not okay. If I tell you I’m having a panic attack, is it really necessary to ask if I’m okay? Shouldn’t the fact that I’m having a panic attack be enough to know that I’m not?
Even more than that, simply asking if I’m okay makes it really, really easy to lie, especially over a text, and say, “Yes.” If you don’t ask for details, odds are I won’t be offering any of them up readily. I like to know that people care what’s going on, not just that I’m still alive and breathing. Besides, what does it even mean to be “okay”? I’m alive and not planning to change that anytime soon, but on the inside, I’m so depressed that I can’t even get out of bed in the mornings. Does that mean I’m “okay” because I’m safe?
Ask me deeper questions like, “What’s going on?” or “How are you feeling?” Actually make me talk to you instead of just trying to get a standard, “Yes” from me.
I never feel “okay,” so please stop asking if I am. Sometimes it just serves as a constant reminder of how not “okay” I feel.
That being said, don’t stop being concerned for me or talking to me because I know firsthand how much of a difference that can make with a person’s mental health. Just know that there are better, more appropriate ways to ask the question that you want to know the answer to and if you ask it right, I’ll be more than willing to give you an honest answer.
