Breaking Story:
Trump says, “No way, Snowse`”
To say Donald Trump has been a controversial GOP candidate would be a massive understatement. Virtually every word to come out of his mouth has led to Facebook debates, tweets, and arguments galore. His next political move, however, is a breakthrough in science and technological prowess no matter what end of the political spectrum you lean on. Today, when interviewed by CNN following last night’s Republican GOP debate he was asked his opinions on climate change, mainly focusing on today’s winter storm Jonas. Below is the complete interview conducted from start to finish:
CNN: Good afternoon, Mr. Trump. How are you?
Trump: Fantastic.
CNN: Good. Now, in last night’s debate they didn’t touch too heavily on environmental issues..
Trump: Global warming isn’t real, it’s a myth made up by the Chinese. You know, I was there at those ice caps when Al Gore or whoever it was made that speech, and he was a complete liar. People are saying polar bears and eskimos are having issues in the North and South poles. I know polar bears and eskimos. They are some of the happiest people on Earth, there’s no issue there.
CNN: Now, I’m not talking about global warming, I’m discussing the massive snowfall we’re receiving today, winter storm Jonas, what’s your stance on that? Is it our fault as a species that a snow storm of this magnitude has come knocking on our door?
Trump: Well, if you ask me it’s a complete tragedy, is what it is. Or travesty, whichever one of those things you want to call it. It is absolutely the world’s fault that we’re not taking care of it, it’s God, it’s very very bad and we need to do something about it.
CNN: Okay, but what’s your stance on controlling our use of CO2? Should we be looking for a better source of energy?
Trump: I’ve seen what CO2 does to the planet, it’s not bad at all, you know? Gasoline and all that fun stuff lets people get where they need to go. If anything, the world’s getting colder. I mean just look outside, do you see all this snow? It’s absolutely ridiculous and if I’m president we won’t tolerate this kind of behavior from the world.
CNN: I’m sorry, what kind of behavior exactly?
Trump: These damn people over in Iceland and Greenland and all those people who live on Mount Fuji, you know the Vietnamese or whatever? They’re sending the worst of the worst! You know, they’re sending all their cold and all their snowflakes over here and we need to do something about it. We need to ban snow and ice, because on my way to this interview I came across this guy. He was old and he tripped and I helped him up and he said, “You know what, Donald? You’re such a great guy, but this snow is a real problem. I know you can do something about it.”
CNN: Alright, in light of what you’ve told me what do you wish to do about the snow?
Trump: I don’t know if you’ve ever watched Superman, you know the one from 1960 or some year with Christian Reeves, great guy, we’re best friends. But in that film, the villain, Leonard Luther, builds this machine that changes the weather. In the movie, he builds it to melt the polar ice caps but me, I’m gonna melt America. There are 31.234 BILLION deaths in car accidents, and I’ll bet you right now that a couple million were from driving in these road conditions. My scientists are coming to me every day and they’re saying, “Donald, I know we can do this because you know exactly what you’re doing.” I have scientists working around the clock, all 24 hours, to build a big machine, I’m very rich you know that. My company’s solid so we can get it done.
CNN: What exactly will be done with this machine once it’s operational? I’m sure this plan will definitely cost taxpayers a decent amount of money. Will it create jobs?
Trump: Yes, it will create jobs because nobody is better than me at maintaining job security and making sure people are making money.
CNN: What about taxes, Mr. Trump?
Trump: You’re misunderstanding me here, it really isn’t that hard to get. I will build this machine and pay for it myself, free of charge from Americans. I’m a good American, I pay taxes all the time, people in the IRS love me, but if I’m president there won’t be a tax on this machine whatsoever.
CNN: Donald, this type of machine requires upkeep and tons of people maintaining its systems; how exactly will you pay for that on your own?
Trump: I’m very rich, I have money, I can definitely pay for it on my own.
CNN: Why did you want to construct this machine exactly?
Trump: When my kids were younger, they would always have snow days because the road plows couldn’t you know *driving and plowing sounds* go over it and get the stuff off the ground. So they wouldn’t have school and they’d be miserable, same goes for adults. If you’re not at work, you’re miserable because you’re sitting around like a bum!
CNN: Earlier, you referenced car accident statistics. Did that have a heavy influence on this choice?
Trump: You’re misquoting me here, again, stop misunderstanding. Those car accidents were very wrong but I want to build this machine and I want to stop boredom and car accidents, I want to make America great again.
CNN: Mr. Trump, before we conclude this eye-opening interview I’d like to ask a closing question. Since there are many low climate areas in the US, where would you put it and what would you name it?
Trump: Great question right there. I’d put it on the top of Trump Tower, so whenever a big snow cloud looks down it can see me saying, “No, that’s no good here. Not in America,” and go away every time. I’ve decided to call it the “Global Warming” project, because it’s getting too cold outside, it’s not good. We need to make America warm and safe and cozy for all of us Americans. A vote for me is a vote for no snow and a vote to make America great again.
