Starting my new life in a new town with new people has made me think long and hard about the decisions I’ve made and the things I’ve learned this past year. Two days ago, December 12th marked one year since the day I decided to take my life back: the day of my acceptance to Ohio. I made a lot of big changes that required some difficult decisions, and the important thing I learned?

You need to do what’s best for yourself.

Stop trying to be comfortable in a bad situation that you’re too scared to fix. If people are bothering you, say something. I spent years letting people walk all over me without objection, thinking it was okay. But in reality, it wasn’t okay at all. I realized that I deserve better. That if something isn’t right, I need to fix it. So that’s what I did.

By the end of a rollercoaster of a year, I finally put everything behind me. I learned the importance of forgiving and forgetting honest mistakes, because people aren’t perfect. We fight, we cry and we push each other away when we’re hurt. What takes strength is apologizing and owning up to it to mend those relationships.

I also know all too well what it’s like to give your heart away to someone you think is your whole world. You meet and everything is great. You’re both happy, laughing, thriving, and everyone around can see it from the way you two look at each other. I remember finally letting myself trust someone again, saying "This time will be different. He’s better, he’s different. He won’t wreck me like the others."

And for the first half of the time, I was on cloud 9. What we had was everything to me and left me with a smile on my face for the rest of the day that just wouldn’t go away. I’d come back 20 minutes later and all my friends were waiting anxiously to hear the news.

"Well judging by that happy face, you need to spill all the details right now."
"The way you two look at each other is like everything you’ve ever wanted is standing right in front of you."
"That’s the cutest thing ever. It’s about time something started working out for you. You two deserve it."

And it was genuinely how I felt. Like I found my place in the world again by his side. What I never saw was the destruction to come.
It's an awful thing to experience when the person you trusted turns their back on you. That sick feeling in your stomach keeps nagging at you, the little voice in your head telling you, "Something is not right. This is wrong." and yet, what’s missing?

"Why does this feel so bad? “Why can’t I shake the feeling that something awful is going to happen? Clearly this is just my insecurity floating up again. I need to relax, there’s nothing going on. He’s trustworthy and you just need to realize that”.

That is, until the awful truth hits you in the face. Nothing hurts as much as finding out you’ve been lied to and avoided for no good reason. Because it turns out, he was just like the others.

So it’s 3 a.m and you’re screaming, crying, punching your pillow for hours, mascara trailing down your cheeks, feeling like your fragile heart is being ripped into shreds. Just when life has finally taken a turn for the better, it goes downhill.

You sit there curled up, repeating to yourself through incoherent sobs that you can’t take any more heartbreak, you can’t do it anymore. You say you can’t handle another sleepless night and restless worrying again, because it slowly eats you up each day. You think there’s something wrong with you, that you were too annoying, laughed too loud, tried too hard, but that wasn’t your fault. It never was.

What’s hard to do is letting go of toxic people in our lives. Yes, at one point in time they seemed incredible, but that’s not who they really are. You deserve better than someone who manipulates you, plays with your emotions and can't decide what they want. I know we never want to hear those words, but even if it feels like this might kill you, just let go. Even if it seems unbearable. You’ll find someone better.
Find someone who willingly goes to church with you on Sundays, has the same sense of humor, someone who laughs when you laugh and is the type of guy you gush about daily to your mom on the phone, the one you want to bring home to meet your family, someone your parents will love too.

Find someone who doesn’t make your heart flutter and palms sweat, but makes you feel calm and content because there are no awkward silences or thoughts of “I don’t know what to say or do and I’m nervous.” Instead, find the type of guy that’ll talk your ear off, make fun of you endlessly out of love and make you laugh until your stomach hurts. And when you find that someone who understands your soul, your life and shares those same values, you’ll forget why you ever cried over that pathetic cheater last year.

This is what life is about. It’s about taking a risk, falling and getting back up, becoming stronger than you were yesterday and fighting for what you love. Pick up your life and move if you’re not happy with the way things are now. It’s what I did, and sometimes I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. I think back to the shy girl who always had dark circles under her eyes from staying up all night and thinking of everything that went wrong. Because now, I look in the mirror and see the confident independent woman I’ve always wanted to be. I still struggle, I still fight my inner demons, but I will wipe off my tears and continue on. Why?

Because I deserve better.