The other day I was driving back to my apartment from some place or another and once I got back, I just sat there for awhile. I didn't have the usual chaotic mind I normally do, full of racing thoughts and things to do. Instead, it was just quiet, unintentional thought. For a second it brought me back home.
I thought about driving on familiar roads and passing by places I'll always have connections to. I thought about high school and how different things became so quickly after it. I wasn't really even thinking about certain memories or days, but more like remembering this feeling of intention.
In a normal day of high school, every hour of the day was set for how it would go: class all day, practice after, dinner, homework, bed. I was so regimented yet guided in a way that allowed me to feel like I knew why I did everything I was doing and that I was comfortable where I was. Sitting in my car the other day, I felt loose, like I was missing that feeling of structure and security.
Today if I wanted to, I could stay in bed the entire day, I could drive wherever I wanted, eat at any restaurant, take whatever classes I want, go here or there, and do this or that. I have no requirements in my day unless I create them. Teachers are not the same as high school; they don't know you and they really don't care what you do in their class, so long as you keep their test average the same as last year's class. Your parents don't make a neat calendar of all your events and give you reminders of what you have to do today. No one, except for yourself decides how each day goes.
In a way this is pretty terrifying. Though most consult with friends or call home, the majority of the decisions made in college are based on your gut. Should I do this? Can I go there and still have time to do that? Will joining this make me too busy? Would I miss out if I stay here? It's all up to you.
While most choices are fairly obvious and easy to balance in the mangle of other wrenches thrown in each day, some are not. Sometimes you just know that you really have to do certain things, take specific classes, or be apart of various organizations to get you where you want to be in life. Other times though, you really don't know. It's not always one decision you make that you're like, "Oh wait was that what I should've done?" It's more of a cycle of things put together that make you wonder if you're doing all this right.
No matter how old you get, we all need some kind of guidance or sense of assurance. When things are looking up for us, we tend to see those good times as a way of the universe giving us a big thumbs up. And we need that. When we don't really know how we'll get through something or it feels like everything is collapsing in on us, we get faced with many ways to pull ourselves out from the load keeping us down, and that tests us. We need that, too.
Being comfortable and having structure made me feel like the decisions I made at that time of my life were the right ones. Now as I'm trying to build a sense of stability in a place that is still relatively new to me, every day I will have to go with my gut and see if what I decide works out. With no one telling me what to do or where to go, no daily thumbs up or 'Great job' stickers, I just have to believe that the choices I make are the right ones for me at this time and will eventually get me to the exact place I need to be.
